Really? Why only Bengali. Where do you guys get the idea that only Bengalies respect education? Really!

Manny

Vivian and I had the book scenario played out pretty early in our relationship. My immediate, and almost sub-conscious, reaction when I step on a book is to touch my forehead, nose and chin with my index finger and silently say “I’m so sorry!” I’m sure this quirk is a result of the emulation of different kinds of ‘pronaam’ that I’ve seen over my childhood. Again, as rightly pointed out by Aditya, this ‘apology’ is not directed towards the book itself, but the knowledge, and the power of knowledge, that a book symbolises. The Indian middle class, or maybe just the Bengali middle class, values and respects “knowledge” highly.

To me this respect of knowledge is akin to being awestruck and mesmerized while looking at a thunderstorm.

I don’t think there are any easy answers when it comes to major differences (religious, cultural, or otherwise) between two partners. If your husband doesn’t really believe in certain Hindu rituals, and is unwilling to take the time to consider the meaning behind them (or has done so, and doesn’t find them personally meaningful), then there’s not a lot you can do to change him. You can really only control yourself, and your beliefs – so then the question becomes what sort of compromises are you willing to make (meeting with friends or others outside of your marriage to practice your faith) – and what sort of compromises would you like your husband to make (and how will you communicate your requests to him).

I enjoyed your perspective on sharing and accepting etc. I’m currently struggling with faith and marriage. My husband who is Caucasian ‘agreed’ to do some of the Hindu rituals with me but now indicates that he doesn’t really want to do them and is just doing them for me. He also seemed keen to learn but hasn’t really continued with the reading or discussing that occurred before marriage. I always intended to marry someone who was of my faith and who was actually into prayer and other Hindu assortments but we met and got married and I believed he was getting into some of the things that make up my hindu lifestyle as I call it. Now I’m not so sure. I feel like I either have to choose or have a lot of time apart following my faith. Do you have suggestions? How do I avoid feeling so disillusioned?

1) The kind with pictures, as depicted by Jessica. Mostly, it's about remembering your ancestors (mostly, parents), especially on their birthdays and the day/s when they passed away.

2) The annual kind, usually performed during the 'Shraaddha' (literal meaning: last rites) period before the Hindu festival of Dussehra/Navratras. Here you actually call a priest home (or go to a river bank) & perform an elaborate ceremony lasting upto half a day. Regardless of when during the year your parents passed away, you can perform this during the Shraaddha period.
Caveat: Some communities (e.g. us Bengalis) stop performing this annually once you perform it at the acknowleged religious places – mostly either Gaya (in Bihar, near the most famous but newer Budhist sub-city of Bodh Gaya) or Haridwar (in UP).

3) Regardless of the annual ceremony, 'ancestor worship' (as put here) is also performed at the beginning of many other socio-religious functions, importantly, marriage. Before a father performs the 'kanyaadaan' (literally: giving away his daughter), he usually has to perform 'ancestor worship'.
Also, a short 'ancestor worship' is performed at the beginning of many religious 'pujas' e.g. Satya Narayan (Vishnu) Puja.

Hope this helps. This may not be authentic treatise on the subject (as Hindu traditions differ from community to community & place to place), but just from first-hand knowledge.

re: acting differently in different groups. There's nothing wrong with this; I think everyone exhibits different behaviors around different groups of people. You certainly wouldn't act the same way with your parents as you do with your friends as you do with your coworkers. That's totally normal.

re: making friends. Do you have any hobbies? There is probably a group around for pretty much every hobby you can think of: reading/books, hiking, sports teams, gardening, etc. Having a common interest is a great way to start a friendship.

re: not being happy with yourself. Everyone gets down sometimes, and usually it passes. If you find that it's interfering with your life, though, you may want to consider therapy. Talking to a professional about how you're feeling can really help illuminate what's bothering you and how to fix it.

Good luck!

Thanks,

I'd be interested to hear more about the ancestor worship, if you're comfortable blogging about it… I can also see how people could get value out of it.

Another thing is that i notice in myself, two different sets of behaviours—when I am with my Indian friends, and when I am with general American junta—with American junta, i tend to copy the open and candid American style…but I sometimes reveal too much and lose my dignity. In front of my Indian friends, I tend to be more reserved, reflecting the social need of the hour. The Ideal would be to treat everyone equally and well.

Help!

Someone