“Man, this place is a mess,” I said, as I stumbled my way across Aditya’s fraternity room to give him a hug hello. “I think it might even be worse than my dorm room Did you just walk in the door and toss every paper and book you’ve covered this semester on the floor? Then throw a pile of clothes on top for variety?”
I tripped, stepping on a few books strewn along the “path” to the couch.
“Hey!” Aditya exclaimed. “Don’t step on the books! You’re never step on books. It’s disrespectful.”
“Well, if you don’t want them stepped on you shouldn’t leave them on the ground. They’re just books – it’s not like I cracked the spine or anything. Wait… did you just mumble a prayer to the book?”
Cultural and religious differences
When I first started dating Aditya, I knew only a little about either Hinduism or general Indian culture. I certainly didn’t know about any prohibitions about stepping on books – at most, I had a vague notion that feet were considered unclean beyond just, you know, germs and dirt from walking around barefoot.
Learning about my husband’s culture and religious traditions has been a slow, albeit rewarding, experience. I’ve struggled with many of the concepts he considered completely normal – so normal, in fact, that the differences between our two expectations about proper behavior would only surface when one of us committed a faux pas in the other’s eyes. This struggle goes beyond just memorizing what’s cool and what’s not – at times it has been difficult to understand the reasoning behind the rules, or to take the next step and accept the differences. Some of his cultural concepts I’ve been able to embrace as my own – but others not so much.
Today I’d like to discuss three good ways of dealing with differing cultural and religious traditions – understanding them, accepting them, or embracing them – and why it’s perfectly okay to not embrace – or even accept – any tradition you find difficult or troubling, as long as that works for your particular relationship.
Understanding differences – strive for it
“Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story”. – John Barth
There are very few people in this world who believe that their actions are without reason or justification. Certainly no culture or religion develops a custom just for the hell of it – there’s always a purpose. When you come across a cultural or religious difference, your first goal should always be to understand the reasoning behind, the purpose to it.
Understanding the differing custom or behavior or attitude is not the same thing as accepting it as the right thing for you to do, or even the morally correct thing for anyone. I can understand the purpose behind a suicide bomber’s efforts to kill innocents, or the reasoning that leads to the barbaric custom of female infanticide without condoning either evil practice. Understanding a cultural difference isn’t the same as okaying it – it’s just a way to open up a dialogue with a person from a different background by acknowledging the humanness of their actions and beliefs. If you can’t get beyond a “that’s nonsensical” reaction to a cultural difference that represents a failure on your part to stretch your mind fully. Of course, that doesn’t mean that it’s easy to understand the actions and traditions of cultures foreign to us. Stretching your mind is hard work!
I was completely baffled by Aditya’s reaction to my accidental stumble over his books. After all, they were just books – things, objects, items. Even after he explained that it was a matter of respect – respect over the knowledge the books contained, the wisdom we gain from the written word – I still didn’t find the whole scenario logical. Sure, respect learning, I got that – but why did he offer what looked like a prayer to an inanimate object? It wasn’t like the book cared it was stepped on! It was only after I was told by Aditya that it was a pranam (respectful salutation), not a prayer that I realized – duh – it was a salutation to what the book symbolized, not the physical object itself. All right, I thought, I get it. By stepping on the book, you disrespected learning, and then you offer a pranam, and show that you actually do respect learning. Sounded a bit superstitious to me, but I understood the basic reasoning behind Aditya’s actions. And because I understood the basics it was something that I could tolerate, even if I didn’t think it worthwhile or logical.
Accepting differences – try for it
Accepting a cultural or religious difference goes beyond understanding the reasoning at play. Acceptance means that you recognize that this cultural or religious difference is worthwhile and good for the people who practice it.
Not all traditions are worthy of acceptance, of course – I’m not suggesting that you accept traditions that are obviously morally wrong, like honor killings, just because some culture says that it’s a good thing. Even with more mundane cultural differences, though, it’s not always a simple jump from understanding the reasoning behind a cultural custom to accepting the cultural custom as a good thing for others. You could think it’s just a waste of time (my feelings on most superstitions). Or that it’s a tradition that doesn’t solve the problem that is actually at hand – it just distracts from it (my feelings on most faith-based healing shticks you see on late-night tv).
While I believe that we should all strive to understand the cultural differences we come across in our intercultural relationships, I don’t think it’s necessary – or even possible – to accept all cultural differences. What’s important is that the level of acceptance of each others’ differences works for your relationship. This means that you’re both comfortable with each other’s differences, and neither person feels pressured to accept that which that which they find troubling, morally or otherwise.
Over time I did move from simply understanding Aditya’s tradition of not stepping on books to accepting it as a worthwhile endeavor. As he explained the tradition more – and as I learned more about Hinduism in a class I was taking – I learned what Aditya got out of the pranams to “offended” books. For him, at least, the short practice wasn’t about superstition or righting some cosmic tally against him. Instead, it was a occasional reminder of why learning was valuable. A moment to pause and reflect.
I don’t think this particular tradition of his was one that I had to understand and accept in order for our relationship to succeed. Perhaps he wouldn’t have appreciated the eye-rolling I inevitably do when I think someone is being silly, but our relationship would survive. It’s a bit hypothetical, though, as I have come to accept this tradition. However, other cultural differences were deal-breakers. For example, it’s very important to Aditya that his parents be able and welcome to visit us for months at a time, or even move in with us, as is common in his culture.If I could not have accepted this value of his, than I doubt we’d be together today – it’s just too important to him. He communicated this to me very early in our relationship, and I learned to accept this foreign tradition.
How does one go about accepting alien customs, traditions, and beliefs as worthwhile and good – and a part of your life now? Well, for me, it’s taken mostly time and thought. I’ve had to radically retool my understanding of what a good child-parent relationship is to get to the point of being comfortable with the idea & reality of long visits from Maa and Baba. With the book thing, well, I’ve thought a fair bit on what it means to respect an abstract concept, and how one shows those sorts of values in everyday life. (Yes, I was raised a heathen child without religion or much spirituality.) I’ve come to realize the value of these small, symbolic gestures of Aditya’s, how it allows for a redirection of one’s mind to the more important things of life, a little reminder of what matters. In fact, not only do I accept the idea of pranam to knowledge in Aditya’s life, I’ve come to desire it in my own. Which brings us to the final section…
Embracing differences, ending differences
The third and final way you can deal with cultural and religious differences is not just understand, not just accept, but embrace the differences and make them part of your own personal culture or religion. I think you see this most often when one half an interfaith partnership converts to his significant other’s religion – thus ending the interfaithiness. In some ways I’ve done that by embracing parts of Aditya’s Hindu practices and faith – I too now avoid stepping on books out of a respect for the knowledge they contain.
However, embracing all – or even most – of your partner’s cultural or religious beliefs should not be your main goal in dealing with differences. I mean, if you both completely embrace the other’s traditions, you just end up flipping sides! Nor should one person try to give up their culture entirely and embrace the other’s – you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of pulling it off, and if you somehow did, I suspect you’d find you’d lost a large part of the core part of yourself in the process.
No, I firmly believe that you should embrace the parts of another culture that strongly call out to you, and just try to understand and accept the other cultural differences. Think of whole-heartedly embracing some of your partner’s traditions as a bonus, but not a goal. Be open-minded enough to understand the purposes of different customs, and try to see and accept the good in these cultural and religious differences. But remember: it’s okay to not love, or even like, all parts of your partner’s culture. After all, it’s the differences between the two of you, in part, that brought you together.
13. February 2009 at 3:25 pm
Marriage is compromise. Whether it's an intercultural one or not. If you can't get that, then you shouldn't get married at all. Good post.
14. February 2009 at 1:17 am
I kind of like that tradition about books. Of all the things that many religions/belief systems consider important or symbolic somehow, I find books to be a very worthy choice! I could see myself embracing that if I lived in India.
DH is not very religious, but he and I both make an effort to respect traditions here. We don't visit temples that much, because he says it is not good to visit temples if you're not going to pray, if you're just going to be voyeuristic about other people's beliefs. When my parents came to visit I had to explain to them that as beautiful of some of the Buddhas in the temples are, it is very disrespectful to take pictures of them. They totally understood and were careful not to take any pictures, but there were always loads of people in the temples just snapping away, despite signs posted saying not to. It bugs me when people not only don't understand, but don't even attempt to understand, the traditions of the culture they're in.
One tradition that we do keep is “ancestor worship,”( which isn't exactly worship really, but that's how the Western world knows it). We keep pictures of DH's parents on our mantle and on important days we light incense and pray to them. We also give them little updates on our lives. When we lived nearer to their graves, there were certain days each year we'd go out to their grave sites, clean the sites off, and make offerings to them. To an outsider it seems weird and superstitious, but for DH, I have come to realize that it makes him feel closer to his parents, both of whom he's lost within the past 5 years. For me, in the beginning I was pretty much just going through the motions in order to please him, but with time I've also embraced this tradition, because in a way it also helps me feel connected to them, to his father, who I knew, and to his mother, who I never met. It also gives my son a visual representation of his grandparents, and helps keep their memories alive and ensures that every so often we take a few moments out of the day to think about them and remember them. I can see the value in that, so I wilingly participate.
15. February 2009 at 1:10 am
All,
This is a sort of confession. I am student at a nice university in the US. I was born and brought up in India, and of course, have had a conservative upbringing. Having lived in the big cities in India, dating etc never seemed to be a big deal to me. But now when I am in the US, I really feel like going out and dating, and especially caucasian and asian people. I don't feel like dating Indian at all ! And I am sometimes socially awkward, even though I am confident. Please comment.
Another thing is that i notice in myself, two different sets of behaviours—when I am with my Indian friends, and when I am with general American junta—with American junta, i tend to copy the open and candid American style…but I sometimes reveal too much and lose my dignity. In front of my Indian friends, I tend to be more reserved, reflecting the social need of the hour. The Ideal would be to treat everyone equally and well.
Help!
Someone
17. February 2009 at 6:53 am
Yes, marriage is certainly all about compromise! I think a lot of the posts I make here are relevant to people not in cross-cultural relationships – they're the same sort of problems all couples face, but they're just a bit exaggerated in intercultural marriages.
17. February 2009 at 6:58 am
That's interesting about the Buddha thing – I've been to Buddhist temples in India where there was no prohibition (as far as I could tell) about snapping pictures of paintings or carvings of the Buddha. Is that just a religious belief of Chinese Buddhists?
I'd be interested to hear more about the ancestor worship, if you're comfortable blogging about it… I can also see how people could get value out of it.
17. February 2009 at 7:05 am
Hi Juhn – I'm not sure if your situation is really applicable to this blog post. There are a lot of sites out on the internet that can help you learn how to be more comfortable socially, but my main suggestion would just be to practice talking to people of all types. Some of might also come with age & learning more about yourself. Finally, I'd suggest you check out your university library to see if they have a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People, which is a classic book about personal development and relations with others – don't let the title put you off. I do sympathize with you, as I'm often socially awkward as well.
17. February 2009 at 10:26 pm
I have read Dale Carnegie earlier. But the problem is not that. the problem is that I am often not happy with myself and that reflects in my interactions with people. And it is sort of an obsession for me that I should be dating someone from outside my own culture just to see what sort of relationships are out there….and what I have done up till now towards that is that I have spoken to a lot of people…but I have made few friends with them. It is only now that I am starting to feel comfortable in the US. When I initially came 1.5 years back, I did not like it at all..because I am located in Houston. I did not have much people to talk to etc…and i found in general, american junta to be very different from what I had experienced in Europe and in India. I found a lack of politeness./ high directness..and a lack of caring or understanding for the other . This, i really did not enjoy and I retreated into a shell. Its only now that I feel comfortable enough to express myself properly . Please let me know what I can do ?
Thanks,
18. February 2009 at 9:22 am
I think you're overthinking things and trying too hard. Just relax.
re: acting differently in different groups. There's nothing wrong with this; I think everyone exhibits different behaviors around different groups of people. You certainly wouldn't act the same way with your parents as you do with your friends as you do with your coworkers. That's totally normal.
re: making friends. Do you have any hobbies? There is probably a group around for pretty much every hobby you can think of: reading/books, hiking, sports teams, gardening, etc. Having a common interest is a great way to start a friendship.
re: not being happy with yourself. Everyone gets down sometimes, and usually it passes. If you find that it's interfering with your life, though, you may want to consider therapy. Talking to a professional about how you're feeling can really help illuminate what's bothering you and how to fix it.
Good luck!
19. February 2009 at 1:04 pm
Juhn, if you're very uncomfortable with your social interactions, I would suggest speaking about this with a university counselor or perhaps someone from your university's intercultural center. They're there to help students and are professionally trained to do so – which is something I'm certainly not.
15. June 2009 at 3:43 am
GG: There are 2-3 ways in which ancestor worship is performed by religious Hindus, to my (limited) knowledge.
1) The kind with pictures, as depicted by Jessica. Mostly, it's about remembering your ancestors (mostly, parents), especially on their birthdays and the day/s when they passed away.
2) The annual kind, usually performed during the 'Shraaddha' (literal meaning: last rites) period before the Hindu festival of Dussehra/Navratras. Here you actually call a priest home (or go to a river bank) & perform an elaborate ceremony lasting upto half a day. Regardless of when during the year your parents passed away, you can perform this during the Shraaddha period.
Caveat: Some communities (e.g. us Bengalis) stop performing this annually once you perform it at the acknowleged religious places – mostly either Gaya (in Bihar, near the most famous but newer Budhist sub-city of Bodh Gaya) or Haridwar (in UP).
3) Regardless of the annual ceremony, 'ancestor worship' (as put here) is also performed at the beginning of many other socio-religious functions, importantly, marriage. Before a father performs the 'kanyaadaan' (literally: giving away his daughter), he usually has to perform 'ancestor worship'.
Also, a short 'ancestor worship' is performed at the beginning of many religious 'pujas' e.g. Satya Narayan (Vishnu) Puja.
Hope this helps. This may not be authentic treatise on the subject (as Hindu traditions differ from community to community & place to place), but just from first-hand knowledge.
27. August 2009 at 10:41 pm
Hi
I enjoyed your perspective on sharing and accepting etc. I’m currently struggling with faith and marriage. My husband who is Caucasian ‘agreed’ to do some of the Hindu rituals with me but now indicates that he doesn’t really want to do them and is just doing them for me. He also seemed keen to learn but hasn’t really continued with the reading or discussing that occurred before marriage. I always intended to marry someone who was of my faith and who was actually into prayer and other Hindu assortments but we met and got married and I believed he was getting into some of the things that make up my hindu lifestyle as I call it. Now I’m not so sure. I feel like I either have to choose or have a lot of time apart following my faith. Do you have suggestions? How do I avoid feeling so disillusioned?
14. October 2009 at 4:13 pm
Well, my first question would be how much you’ve discussed this issue (and your current feelings) with your husband. That’s where the conversation needs to start.
I don’t think there are any easy answers when it comes to major differences (religious, cultural, or otherwise) between two partners. If your husband doesn’t really believe in certain Hindu rituals, and is unwilling to take the time to consider the meaning behind them (or has done so, and doesn’t find them personally meaningful), then there’s not a lot you can do to change him. You can really only control yourself, and your beliefs – so then the question becomes what sort of compromises are you willing to make (meeting with friends or others outside of your marriage to practice your faith) – and what sort of compromises would you like your husband to make (and how will you communicate your requests to him).
9. October 2009 at 4:06 pm
Thanks for the post; it really helped today.
14. October 2009 at 4:14 pm
I’m glad it was helpful!