I share my office with a Chinese-American man. My team at work consists of said office mate, an Indian-American (Gujarati) guy, a Turkish fellow, a white dude from the Midwest, my Taiwanese female boss, and three Indians in our Delhi office (two Mr.’s and a Ms.). The offices closest to mine include said Turkish fellow, a Bangladeshi bloke, an Indian (Bengali) lady, a Ghanaian-American gent, a French woman, and a Nepalese chap. Really. For those of you keeping count, that’s two Caucasian Americans (including myself) out of fourteen folk. With numbers like th>ose, as you may guess, I don’t talk to white Americans all that much while at work. (Or women, either – but that’s what you get for working in a field dominated by economists and engineers.) However, even when I step outside the office, I’ve found that I don’t interact with a many people – or, really, more than a handful of people - who appear to be from the same general cultural & racial background as my own. Frankly, it’s a little odd now that I think about it.
Most of the blame for this “situation”, so to speak, could simply be laid at the feet of circumstance or chance – we happen to live in a very multicultural area, participate in activities that naturally bring a diverse crowd, and my choice of careers was more due to, you know, the job I would be doing than the diversity of people at my office. But I don’t think it’s as simple as chance – the choices Aditya and I have made both individually and as a couple, as well as our prior experiences, have made an outcome like this probable.
So. This past week I’ve been thinking more about cross-cultural connections outside of my intercultural marriage with Aditya. How do these two spheres of life – home & husband and outside work & community – interact with each other? There’s no doubt that my relationship with Aditya has given me a fair bit of traction with the South Asians I run into – but how has it affected my relationships with people from other cultures? And how has working with an office full of immigrants and different cultures changed my marriage?
Obviously, the answers to these questions will be complex – which is why I’ll be discussing my thoughts on this subject in a series of posts. But the keystone to my ideas lies in the lovely concept of intercultural communicative competence. This term was developed as part of an effort by theorists of foreign language instruction a decade ago, and has slowly been evolving in the intercultural studies academic community. The initial discussions of this topic related to how instructors could teach their language learners how to communicate in a foreign language with real, live foreign people – not just speak a bunch of funny-sounding words. Mostly it involved learning the specifics of the culture associated with the language – things like “Germans are überpunctual – if you’re on time, you’re actually late.” Since then, though, the idea has expanded to incorporate both the specific knowledge and the skill set that all people who interact cross-culturally – i.e. intercultural learners – need to have to be successful, whether they’re speaking a foreign tongue or not.
This skill set is what I believe translates back and forth between my relationship with Aditya and my cross-cultural relationships out in the community – and each one is strengthened by the other. Next I’ll start delving into the specifics of what constitutes competent intercultural learning, but before then I’d love to hear what everyone’s initial thoughts on this matter are. Do you have many cross-cultural connections out in your community or workplace? Do you think it’s affected your closer personal relationship with a friend or significant other from another culture? Anyone else feel like they work for the U.N.?
26. January 2009 at 8:00 am
I feel very similar at times. I live in one of the most multicultural cities in the world and I'm part of the African Studies program at my university. Cue the common realization that I'm either the only white person in the room or a member of a small minority. It's something that I stopped taking note of, until I went home to my much smaller province, and felt off in the environment. It was suggested to me by a friend that it was because my hometown was… really, really white.
One of the reasons I moved to “the big city” was to experience something different from what I had been living. For the past couple years I haven't thought about it much though, perhaps its as my group of friends here continues to grow larger and more diverse. I've never really thought of it as odd, I guess, though some others seem to, but I feel like I've learned more in the past couple years from my friends than I had in my whole life before coming here.
Not too sure where I'm going with this thought. Just reflecting, I suppose.
26. January 2009 at 8:40 am
My immediate boss is a Chinese woman, and her boss is an elderly Pakistani man. My favorite is when they have conversations at lunch… if either gets excited, it becomes difficult to understand them, and they often misunderstand each other. But Abdul was surprised that I knew anything about India/Pakistan, and that (once I knew he was a practicing Muslim) he had dietary restrictions. Though admittedly my knowledge of Islam is very limited, I assume it is much better than most of the people he's known over the years in this country. Neither of my bosses is shy when it comes to talking about their cultures, so I've learned a lot in the few months being here, which is neat.
26. January 2009 at 3:40 pm
Hmmm, my major cross-cultural experience has actually been while playing sports, my workplace has almost always been completely white, and so have my roommates uptil this year. I have played soccer with East Africans, West Africans, Argentines, Mexicans, American Hispanics, whites, Europeans, Chinese, Japanese , you name it. The cultural differences do show through even in a sport, Arabs and Europeans were more likely to insist on rules, have properly marked fields, goals etc. By contrast Americans and Africans mostly did not care about rules that much and were more likely to insist on 'keep playing'. Just my personal observations. There are other differences too, but they were more specific to the sport.
I have discovered that so far, as long as someone can speak English I have no problems. I am much more likely to quarrel or argue at an AID meeting with other Indians than at a workplace or somewhere else.
I think for a lot of 'new-generation' Indians like me culture is more about entertainment. I am more likely to identify Indian culture in terms of movies, cricket or even tv shows. For example the dietary restrictions that Amanda mentioned above, do not apply to me at all, I eat every kind of meat and so does my roommate who is also from Mumbai. For a lot of Indians our own native cultures are so different that instead of emphasizing our Gujaratiness or Bengaliness we end up defining our Indianness based on the consumption of entertainment from India.
27. January 2009 at 11:52 am
Well, living in Southern California you automatically get a lot of cross-cultural connections! Ricky and I live in a predominantly Chinese area, but we've visited areas that are dominated by people from all over the globe (Japan, Korea, China, India, Russia, Armenia, Mexico, Ethiopia, etc.) as well as predominantly WASP-y locales. One of the great things about living in a large city like LA or NY is that you have access to just about any sort of cross-cultural experience you might wish.
In addition, since meeting Ricky I would have to say that my personal cross-cultural experience has definitely expanded. Our circle of friends includes (among others): an Indian couple; a guy from Turkey; a guy from Italy; two brothers from Ecuador (one of whom is currently living with a girl who's got a really diverse background – so much so that I can't remember all the places where her family hails from!); a Japanese-American girl (my best friend from college) and her boyfriend, a white guy from upstate NY; and my best friend from grad school, who's Jewish/Irish and her husband. Our wedding party (which also included my little sister) was quite the patchwork quilt (the poor wedding coordinator at the church had to keep track of all those crazy names)! Most of these friends were originally Ricky's, but now they're ours, and I truly feel blessed to know them all.
Speaking of “crazy names”, I remember reading an article a month or two back on how people who have less-than-traditional names here in the U.S. are now feeling a bit less self-conscious or more accepted, given that our President now sports the decidedly non-WASPy name of Barack Obama. It was kind of a fluff piece, but I thought I'd mention it here since it seems relevant to the discussion. Maybe we all collectively have more cross-cultural connections now?
27. January 2009 at 1:04 pm
It’s interesting that you bring this topic up. I definitely didn’t grow up in a multicultural setting… but over the years I have been drawn to an international sub-culture, and now I am so used to being with people from other countries that I often feel a bit out of place with Americans! I’ll find that I might not know what to talk about, or have easy ways to relate. I don’t really feel like an outsider in my own culture, but I definitely feel more comfortable with people from other places.
Not only has this translated into my own personal relationship (my partner is from Nepal), and my friendships with others (who are often either Nepali or from another foreign country), but also in my work life. I started working as a program coordinator in study abroad, and after two different jobs with two different American directors, I’ve finally found a place where I feel very comfortable and natural, as an international student advisor at a university with a director from Denmark.
Even though I feel comfortable in my lifestyle and choices, and the people that I choose to spend time with, it baffles my mother to no end, who perpetually tells me that I am not “American” enough for her standards. Sometimes she wonders if I came from Mars since I have all of these “unusual” interests and tastes in people, clothing and food that she has never thought to try before. On the contrary, I find that I can identify more with my American-ness in international circles then I can in domestic ones. When in a group of people from other places, my cultural up-bringing is unique, and I am happy to share Thanksgiving and Christmas customs with friends who wouldn’t normally have the opportunity to learn about them. If I hung out with Americans all the time, I don’t think I would bother keeping up some of these traditions.
I know that there have been conversations about not having “acceptance” of relationships from the non-western side of the relationship (i.e. the Desi parents are upset about a potential white daughter in-law) but not as many discussions about American parents who just don’t “get” your interest in someone from a different culture. Not necessarily hostile, but not exactly gushing acceptance and cultural sensitivity either. Perhaps that would be an interesting “forum” to start?
27. January 2009 at 2:42 pm
Funny you bring that up, Colleen…I was visiting my parents this weekend, and had a conversation on this very topic with my mother. I'm not exactly sure how the conversation started, but basically she had similar concerns. Namely, she was worried that I've adopted a lot of the Indian culture, and that our children (non-existent as yet!) were not going to be “American enough” as they grow up, partly due to the fact that she worries they will be unduly influenced by my husband's parents, who live with us. Ricky's mom has never really adopted many of the external hallmarks of American culture (dress, cuisine, entertainment, etc.) and so she worries that our children will be forced somehow to conform to a more Indian way of life. I tried to reassure her on a number of levels – that Ricky and I and not Ricky's parents are going to be the primary caregivers, that while his mom doesn't seem very “Americanized” outwardly, her attitudes and ways of thinking are very Westernized, and that while we have every intention of raising our children with the knowledge of their Indian heritage, they will also be raised with the knowledge of their American heritage as well. But it was a frustrating conversation on the whole, because while she's making a really good effort, I just don't think my mom is as comfortable with cross-cultural connections as I am. As you put it, I'm not exactly getting “gushing acceptance and cultural sensitivity” from her. Maybe this is a generational thing, I don't know. I'd definitely be interested in a forum on this topic, because I don't think it's an issue that's been discussed very much on this or other intercultural relationship sites I've come across.
Anyone else have similar experiences, or thoughts on this issue?
27. January 2009 at 5:38 pm
I'll move the discussion to the forum section, and see if we can spark a thread…
27. January 2009 at 5:59 pm
I think it's best if the comments stay here, for the moment, as the forums aren't yet setup at all – basically the page you now see at the top is just a placeholder until I make a decision yay or nay on whether to enable a forum. I'm not at all against doing so, but I want to make sure there's demand for a forum (since it'll add some time to my administration work), and I'm still trying to decide what sort of software to use for the forum.
27. January 2009 at 6:41 pm
Gosh, your mother sounds very much like mine. I could see her having this exact same conversation some day. On the outside she is very open and relaxed about meeting new people and interacting with them, but if you get her talking long enough you eventually notice that she doesn't “get” it.
The biggest problem she has is getting freaked out over my perceived “non-American-ness”… she is very good at pointing out everything that I do or am interested in that is not “normal” (in her eyes)- that I want to learn Nepali, that I dress in sari and attend Dashain (Diwali) parties, that I enjoy making and eating taakari (curry)- however she is equally bad at noticing the “American” things that we do- having a barbecue on a summer day, watching a blockbuster at the movie theater, inviting friends over for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner, or teaching international neighbors how to make family cookie recipes.
My theory is that she has a hard time recognizing what “American” is (as I am sure we all would if we weren't put in situations where we are confronting our cultural differences on a daily basis), and as she sees her everyday cultural activities as normal, she forgets to give “credit” to the fact that, yes, eating pizza on a Saturday night can be considered “American” (my future Nepali in-laws definitely thought so when I insisted they try some on a visit to the US!)
A bit sadly, since we are living in an American society, we probably do far more American things on a daily basis by default, without even thinking about it. I tried to explain to her once that we specifically try to go out of our way to celebrate Nepali festivals, because if we were not careful, this important aspect of Prajjwal's culture could easily pass unnoticed in the States. One can't forget Valentine's Day in the US due to the commercialization of our cultural traditions, but it is easy to forget Nepali New Year or Bhai Tika if you don't keep in touch with other Nepalis, or don't have a Nepali calendar sitting around.
I'm honestly terrified of the “kid” conversation that is bound to happen in the future. I can see Prajjwal's family coming to live with us, and the kids learning to speak Nepali. Will they learn English as well? Of course, but I can hear her having a fit now… and see her filling their heads with talk of, “if you were born in America, then you are American… it saddens me to see your mother only teaches you about Nepali culture and forces you to eat weird foods.” (as they listen to her and eat pasta that I prepared for for dinner).
Prajjwal advises me that I worry too much, and that I should just let it go, but it is so ideologically frustrating. I can already see issues arise as we start conversations about our future wedding ceremony… I don't want to be antagonistic about it, but I don't see where it ends… thank goodness Prajjwal's family is a bit more understanding!
28. January 2009 at 11:35 am
I have gotten the same kind of thing from my mom, and I think she has much the same attitude as yours, Colleen. She has actually said that she hopes our kids will be American, as if somehow they won't be because we include so much Indian culture in our lives. She doesn't realize that by dint of being born in America and being surrounded by American culture, they will BE Americans. But if we don't teach our kids Hindi or teach them about Indian culture, they will be completely cut off from half of their family, which I think would be tragic.
Since I first went to college I've always been interested in getting to know people from around the world. So it didn't seem that strange (to me, at least) when I started dating my husband.
28. January 2009 at 1:31 pm
Oh yeah… at my new job there is only one other Caucasian besides me too. And there's like 48 staff on our campus! I have to learn Spanish just to keep up!
28. January 2009 at 4:35 pm
What made you interested in an African Studies program, Victoria? It sounds like an interesting areas studies program (or is it more African-American focused?).
28. January 2009 at 4:42 pm
Amanda, you're in Virginia now, right? You should come up and visit sometime! Or we could meet up at the Shenandoahs for camping or something like that.
28. January 2009 at 4:47 pm
Internationals gather at every university in the US to play soccer, I do believe. At my undergraduate (where I occasionally participated in the games) there weren't enough of any nationality to draw comparisons like you mentioned. It's also interesting that you mention media – I recently found an article in Intercultural Studies on Indian university students in the US, and why & how they consumed US media to learn about American culture. Shoot me an email if you're interested (see the contact page above) and I'll forward it on.
28. January 2009 at 5:29 pm
Hmmm. I've had a little bit of trouble with my parents, but not too much, which is why I've never thought to blog about it. I'll think about it some, but you're always welcome to write a guest post on the topic if you like.
I do agree with you about the fact that any one growing up here will have absolutely no trouble knowing about American culture. Has your mom ever lived outside the country? It can be difficult to know how much culture permutes everything unless you've experienced it yourself in another nation.
28. January 2009 at 5:30 pm
Oops – I made the point about American culture being everywhere when you live in the States, just to scroll down and see that you'd made the same point, but better.
Let me know if you'd be interested in writing a guest post on this topic as a hold-over until I can get a forum running. I've experienced a little bit of this attitude from my parents, but not so much that I've thought to blog on it…
28. January 2009 at 6:07 pm
Funny. I've never noticed a problem communicating with people of other cultures. But that's probably cuz I'm a walking, talking dervish of multiculturalism.
28. January 2009 at 6:16 pm
Hmmmm, maybe our mothers have secretly been in cahoots, because some of the things you mentioned your moms saying were almost word-for-word quotations from MY mother! The whole thing about being “normal,” the fear that her grandkids won't be “American”…I heard it all. I think perhaps it might be a generational issue, perhaps – as we become more and more of a global society, maybe people will become more used to cross-cultural connections. But for people of our parents' generation, who grew up in a world that was much less connected than our world is now, such connections might seem a little strange or worrisome.
28. January 2009 at 6:25 pm
I think that might be another reason my mom at least is having trouble with the cross-cultural thing…she's never lived outside the country, and has only ever visited Great Britain, Ireland, Canada, and very briefly Mexico. I think she just has never gotten the opportunity to really venture outside her comfort zone and experience a different way of life – thus, her labeling American culture as “normal” and not realizing that her grandkids will automatically be American, despite or in addition to having an Indian heritage.
I think the most frustrating thing for me is that some of her comments just seem so ignorant and even vaguely xenophobic. I know she means well and would never intentionally want to hurt anyone, but I can't help but cringe when she says things like, “I want your children to be normal!” or “Why would you want to listen to that awful music?” or “You aren't going to convert to Sikhism, are you?” It's a good lesson for me in patience, I think!
29. January 2009 at 10:30 am
DJain's comment: “She doesn't realize that by dint of being born in America and being surrounded by American culture, they will BE Americans. But if we don't teach our kids Hindi or teach them about Indian culture, they will be completely cut off from half of their family, which I think would be tragic.” struck a nerve with me, since I just returned from India with my husband and BIL, both of whom were born and raised in the US. Although they were brought up with as much of their parents' culture as possible, they are definitely American through and through. Indian people can tell just by looking at them that they're American (G had told me that this would happen, but I didn't believe it until I saw it myself). So, you're all definitely right to try to conciously keep the Indian/Nepali/what have you culture around, since even with two Indian parents, both G and his brother have assimilated to the place where they grew up.
29. January 2009 at 10:38 am
And you can always kickbox whoever doesn't understand you?
3. February 2009 at 11:37 am
it helps
18. April 2009 at 9:01 pm
As individuals I think by learning something new it expands and improves who and what we are. Everyone should keep learning and never stop.