We had a recent commenter here – Akshay/Amit – who receives the distinction of being the first person who’s been banned from the site (if you missed all the action, you can see all of the non-deleted fun here). He started out amusing – and was even making some points that were somewhat on topic, if not exactly rational – but quickly degenerated into straight-up insults (they weren’t even funny!). So he’s banned. Given that situation, I thought it was a good idea to lay out some clear ground rules on commenting here at Gorigirl.com. I don’t think it’s needed for the most part (you’ll are friendly!), but I’m just trying to cover my ass here.
- If you write it, I’ll read it. Perhaps this is more a ground rule for me than for you guys, but I want to make it clear that I really appreciate your comments, and I read every one of them. I don’t have time to reply to everything, and sometimes I mean to reply but I forget or real life interrupts or, or, or… But I do promise you I’m reading all of them. If you really need to get my attention, and I haven’t responded to your comment, try emailing me at gorigirl.admin@gmail.com
- I don’t mind criticism. If you disagree with me, and want to say it, you’re free to do so without fear of banning or censorship. I don’t even mind if you’re less than tactful in your criticism – sometimes I get in a huff and lose all tact too. Yes, that means I’m not going to censor anything, even if you’re insulting me or my husband or even delicious CoffyBite… as long as it’s somehow on topic. That said…
- I don’t like insults for the sake of insults. What got Akshay/Amit banned wasn’t that he was criticizing me or Adtiya (you can see some rather negative posts of his that I left up because they were discussing his views on the site), but that he just started throwing out random (and crazy) insults. So if your post is just an insult, without a shred of value to the discussion, expect it to get deleted. If there’s even a teeny tiny bit on topic, though, I’ll probably bleep out cussing and insults and leave the bit that’s useful. If there’s a continued trend of straight-up insults, you might get banned, but I’ll still read your comments from the spam filter (see Rule Number 1). If the insult is particularly witty (and targeting me, rather than some poor innocent) I might even de-spam it. *grin*
- Insults against other commenters or whole classes of people are not acceptable, ever.
While I don’t particularly mind you attacking me if you so feel the desire, others do not have as thick skin as I do. I want everyone to feel that Gorigirl.com is a welcoming place where they can respectively voice their thoughts without being insulted or attacked. So don’t sling mud around at others – critiquing or arguing in a rational manner is fine, name-calling and hateful speech is not. Likewise, applying stereotypes to groups of people is not acceptable. You can discuss statistics, discuss personal experiences, and the like, but statements like “All Americans are stupid” or “Why are all Indians so smelly?” are just not cool. For more on how to carefully discuss stereotypes and generalizations without giving offense, read this post. - Sometimes your (innocent) comments don’t make it through the spam filter – it’s not intentional. This happens most often when you comment with a lot of links, but sometimes for no reason that I can tell. If your comment doesn’t appear immediately, don’t panic (or forget your towel)! It probably got eaten up by the spam filter, and I’ll clear it through as soon as I notice the problem. If you don’t see the comment appear in a day, email me.
- Try to play nice, and keep it PG-13. I’m not a prude, I don’t mind cussing for the most part, and I’ve been known to throw an insult or two around on forums & blogs when I thought it was really warranted (and I was grumpy). So I’m pretty lax about those sorts of things here. For the most part, though, I’d appreciate it if you guys can self-edit enough to keep it PG-13 (I think that means you get one allowance of the F-word), and not get into spats. This hasn’t been a problem at all so far (barring today’s exception), and I’d love to keep it that way.
- I won’t pull your comments up into a proper post without your permission. Again, here’s a rule for me, rather than you guys. I think it’s a bit presumptuous to pull up a person’s comments into a post without their permission (maybe they don’t want that much attention…), so I won’t do that unless I get your permission via the comments or email. That being said, if you’d like to have a post address your issue ( or if you guys would all just like an open thread to discuss Lahiri’s latest novel or whatever), just let me know and I’ll make it happen.
I think that covers it all, at least for now. I’m very, very, very anti-censorship so I’m going to give everyone as much leeway as possible… but don’t use that extra rope to hang yourself. If anyone has any questions, just let me know.
18. June 2008 at 6:28 pm
Hi GoriGirl, I met you on another intercultural relationships forum (Masala Couples). I’m so sorry to see that there was such a big mess in the comments section recently. I just want you to know that I really appreciate your blog, and I love reading about other intercultural couples like my husband and myself. I also have a blog that my husband knows about and approves of (it’s more cooking and stuff though), but this comments kerfuffle is one of the reasons I’ve been reluctant to allow unmoderated comments.
I loved reading about your wedding! Keep up the great blog!
18. June 2008 at 8:10 pm
Whoa. WHOA.
That guy was obviously a TROLL from the very first comment. Seriously, do NOT waste your time nor entertain the likes of him. In my opinion, in the future, if you get such comments, IGNORE THEM.
Can you email me? A friend of mine has an excellent method for dealing with such folk and just moving on.
But again, do NOT waste your time coming up with thoughtful commentary like you did. It is NOT worth your effort.
With my limited understanding of Hindi, even *I* was able to see the how crude he was to Aditya. Hello. NOT WORTH YOUR TIME.
Move ON. Please email me.
19. June 2008 at 1:06 am
You have such a lovely blog, but all loveliness attracts trolls. Trouble is when trolls stop being entertaining and just start throwing insults randomly. But usually they’re not worth responding to – they’re not looking for a conversation, or even some clarity, but for aggressiveness. Delete, block IP and drink masala chai. (Or mango lassi for this weather..)
19. June 2008 at 9:47 am
Gori – thank you! Like you, I’m very anti-censorship, but I also agree that when it’s clear the sole objective of the commenter is just to harass or egg on others, a line has to be drawn. I stopped participating in CBC’s site because I strongly disagree with the level of censorship endorsed there. Thank you for providing a place where people can exchange ideas freely without fear that a dissenting or alternate point of view will be silenced or discounted. I really appreciate that.
19. June 2008 at 10:45 am
GG – I think this is a very reasonable policy. Hopefully you won’t get too many trolls! That guy was pretty vicious.
CT – I haven’t had any comments censored at CBC (yet), and I feel compelled to continue to post my dissenting viewpoint there because otherwise it could easily devolve into an Indian-bashing site, and I’d hate to see that. I like a balanced point of view (which is why GG is great!). It’s not constructive for one or two people to always be saying how horrible Indians are, when that’s their individual experience with a select few people who may or may not be horrible in actuality. So I stick around CBC for the people who stumble upon there trying to get actual advice and who need to hear something hopeful about Indian families.
19. June 2008 at 11:28 am
D – I am really grateful that you are on there doing that. You’re doing a great service for a lot of people. I tried for a while, but it felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall and then it got to be too much to see some very well-written articulate comments either ignored or completely purged from the blog.
19. June 2008 at 12:04 pm
I’m not familiar with what you guys are referring to on CBC…I’ve never seen that site until now. Can you give me a synopsis?
19. June 2008 at 1:17 pm
YES GORI! This is the way to do it–it’s OK to challenge, question, and even be a little irrational at times, but not OK to attack people. You so get it…you have my full support. I think it’s a GREAT idea to outline your posting rules—they are actually quite liberal.
And YES CT (we’ve spoken about everything you mentioned and I’m in total agreement).
And oh my dear D…if you only could read some of the stuff I wrote over there (all deleted/censored now…). Back in the day I was the ONLY non-bashing voice who kept banging my head against the brick wall!!! I SOOO wanted to keep going to be that one alternative voice for others visiting (the voice YOU are now) but I just couldn’t because my differing opinion lead to people personally attacking me and not at all acknowledging what I said, thought, and FELT (oh because they are soooo big on feeling validation)… So I had to quit… it’s just kind of a very narrow, and often depressing way of looking at things without considering allll the opportunities for growth and learning in Indian/American relationships…!!! I mean the only one who really LOVED their ideas/thoughts was BGS … and my god, after her comments?? Wouldn’t want a person like that to be my popularity barometer…
But for kicks, I call them Elizabeth Hassleback (cbc) and Dr. Laura (ca) now. Oh I’m so naughty!
19. June 2008 at 1:18 pm
But I am glad you are still over there spreading the good word, D!!!
Plus, I think you are much more patient and understanding than I
.
19. June 2008 at 2:51 pm
Heehee. Well, rather than continuing to clutter up GG’s lovely site, I will just say thanks CT and NK for the validation, and I will keep on being the PC police until I, too, get sick of it.
19. June 2008 at 4:26 pm
Um people, let’s move on and not waste any more thought or energy on this clown than has been. Nuff said.
19. June 2008 at 4:46 pm
hi I am relatively new to the site but i am always elated to see what you have written. Akshay/Amit seems to be picking fights for no reason. His/Its comments actually seem like cookie cutter poison that he posts over multiple sites and hopes to get a rise out of people. If it makes you feel any better I have read plenty of blogs where the Akshay/Amits infecting those sites read three words of a post and spend 100 unintelligible rambling words about his percieved flagrant affrontary of the post. Of course the words he uses are truncated with the ‘u’s and ‘r’s of mock indian-ness so as to confer an air of authority like he knows and has a right to what he is talking about.
Sorry for the rambling. But, I wanted to say you have a beatific site and i love your candor and i am sorry that some jerk has felt the need to ruin something so many people enjoy. I hope to be back to read part 5 of your lives together.
19. June 2008 at 4:47 pm
sorry rabbit, i didnt know you had written before I did. I wont say anymore.
19. June 2008 at 5:08 pm
Well, since it’s not really devoted to talking about Akshay/Amit, I feel I must add my two cents in solidarity with D and NeoKalypso and CT who were commenting about CBC’s site… I actually found that site before this one, and the two are like night and day, as far as atmosphere is concerned. I still go there to read the posts, but I’m always struck by the incredible negativity they have toward all things Indian/intercultural. I haven’t found anything there worth commenting about for awhile… D, you’re a better woman than me for sticking around and continuing to champion the idea that not all Indians are horrible people!
19. June 2008 at 10:12 pm
Gosh this is one heck of a comment policy………..
I like it……..
20. June 2008 at 12:35 pm
Hey guys, thanks for your support regarding Amit. His comments actually didn’t upset me at all; I have a very thick skin for that sort of thing. In fact, I kind of enjoyed it until he started being completely irrational, and therefore boring to debate with. Aditya and I were giggling to each other through IMs the entire morning. Next time, though, I’ll try to rein in that side of myself and stop feeding the troll.
@ D. Jain: Thanks for commenting, and linking to your blog. I really liked it – you should post more! I like your pictures of India/your wedding, and, of course, recipes are always great. I’d be interested to hear more about your Jain wedding ceremony too…
To answer your question about CBC – the other posters are referring to the site Colorblind Cupid which is a blog written by two women in intercultural relationships – one married to an Indian, the other married to a Chinese guy. I used to read and comment at their blog, but have since been banned for, um, I’m not sure really. Basically, while I think they offer some useful information, I disagreed with a lot of their opinions – and they way the expressed them (think stereotype). A lot of my comments (and even one post that I pointed out was expressing racist sentiments) were deleted. However, if others find the site useful/informative, I think that’s great for them.
@ tybris: Welcome to the site! I didn’t know that Amit/Akshay was a habitual troller, but it doesn’t surprise me. I’ll try to (*crosses fingers*) get another blog post up about our wedding ceremony over the weekend, but no promises!
20. June 2008 at 3:09 pm
Thanks GoriGirl! Yes, I’ll probably write more about our wedding at some point. We’re going to India again at Diwali too so I’ll write about that trip too…I can’t wait!!! Also, I have a recipe for bhindi masala that we made last night that I want to post soon…
I spent a little time reading around on CBC…I see what you guys mean. It’s an interesting site but it’s too bad that it’s so negative toward Indian culture. It makes me wonder, if you can’t stand the culture so much, then why are you in a relationship with someone who is a product of that culture? After all, that person’s culture/family made them the person that you love. I can’t imagine telling my husband that he has to cut off contact from his family or stop participating in his culture. Just the thought makes me really sad.
23. June 2008 at 4:12 pm
Heh, you guys congratulated me too soon — I’m giving up on CBC. I decided that it’s silly to get myself all worked up about some idiot on the internet (since it was mainly one person who got to me), and I’d rather spend what little time I’m going to have for goofing off over the next few weeks in more pleasent places.
24. June 2008 at 1:55 pm
Don’t blame you in the least, D. I’m glad we still get to benefit from your insight here!
24. June 2008 at 2:37 pm
Yeah D, you are awesome and hung on for sooo long over there. Furthermore, I had issues with the ENTIRE SNOOTY TRINITY! You are a better woman than I!!!
My guess is there will be other mavericks like us who will pop up and shoot for the same things we did. They will eventually feel squashed and leave, too. Too bad, the script never changes for them…
24. June 2008 at 3:45 pm
There seems to be some very pointed commentary over there over the last couple days…
24. June 2008 at 6:43 pm
I saw that “To Commenters” post that CA made, and it put me off the CBC blog for good. I’ve removed it from my bookmarks list…Who wants to talk to people who are that negative and judgmental all the time, when there are plenty of really nice and friendly and intelligent people to talk to over here?
25. June 2008 at 11:18 am
Oh I know mocroidh… it is a very silly site.
25. June 2008 at 11:23 am
And I just about choked when CA said she did a lot of “self reflecting.”
OK SORRY GORI!!! I will beeeehave now, scouts honor!!!
25. June 2008 at 10:08 pm
My favorite part is when she said she “has a life”. Given the fact that she seems to post a new comment every five seconds, that’s a little hard to believe.
Okay, now I must resolve to behave now too. (NK, you’re corrupting me!
)
26. June 2008 at 8:18 am
CT, we moved this discussion over to NK’s site so as to not continue contaminating Gori’s place.
26. February 2009 at 3:03 pm
Those comments were uncalled for and extremely sad ><
People like that have extreme inferiority complexes and try to thrust them on others so they can feel better about themselves. I've met a percentage of desi girls/guys who think like this, and I it's unfortunate and close-minded. There should be NO shame in discussing your experiences or being in an interracial relationship.