Gori Girl

When in Rome, Do As the Romans Do… Sometimes

Most of my American friends live in horror of being that American tourist when traveling abroad. We’ve all heard the horror stories of the rude American traveler who behaved in a completely culturally insensitive way while traveling, working, or living abroad. The person who tromps into a Japanese house wearing his shoes. Or complains loudly about the stupidity of grocery stores being closed in Germany on a Sunday. No one wants to be that person, right? In an effort to not be that person, friends have told me they try their darnedest to follow that age old maxim: when in Rome, do as the Romans do – i.e. follow the customs of the land and culture that you find yourself in, even if they aren’t your customs. Nothing wrong with trying to be respectful in all ways possible of other cultures, right?

Well, no – there are some things wrong with that old rule about following other culture’s customs as much as possible. My main complaint with the “when in Rome” adage is that it simplifies a topic that defies simplification. Tossing the rule out in a conversation as a simple, true fact (as happened recently in the comments section at another blog that inspired this post) strikes me as similar to slapping a bandage on what is, in fact, a thorny issue. Sometimes it’s a good idea to follow the customs and traditions of another society while you’re visiting (or living in) it. But sometimes it’s a really bad idea.

My Immigrant Husband Is Now Free to Divorce Me!

A phone conversation from last night:

Aditya: Hey, guess what came in the mail today?

GG, at the office, as always: How are you home already? Don’t you work? … And, yeah, so what came in the mail?

Aditya: News from the Department of Homeland Security.

Book Review and Giveaway: Your Intercultural Marriage

Well, here’s a first for this blog – a giveaway! I was recently contacted by the publishers of Your Intercultural Marriage: A Guide to a Healthy, Happy Relationship with the offer of a copy of the newly-published book to review – and five copies to give away to readers here. Of course, being the bibliophile that I am, I jumped at the chance. Details on the giveaway are at the bottom of the review.

Interracial or Intercultural Relationship?

What do you use: intercultural, interracial, or something else?
I generally refer to my marriage – and speak of other relationships on this blog – in terms of cultural similarities or differences – mainly because cultural differences are where my interests lie. Thus, Aditya and I have an inter-cultural marriage, I write about the positives and negatives of intercultural relationships, and explore the values and beliefs of Aditya’s and my cultures. And yet, culture alone does not tell the whole story. Race does matter in our relationship – at least in how the rest of society views our marriage.

Broken Traditions? Intercultural Marriage and Cultural Continuity

A new commenter, Lurker frequent, brought up this interesting topic in regards to intercultural marriages in the comments section of my last post:

As an Indian in the USA; the only reason I would not want to marry a local is to not “lose” my own traditions and culture. Minds meeting , and matching interests and hearts are more important, but certainly , coming from an old and rich tradition, one would want to preserve it by having a completely Indian family, no? Thoughts?

It seems to me that there are several issues in play here, some of which Aditya and I discussed in the comments section when Lf first wrote out his comment (do check it out).

1. What is meant by cultural continuity? Is it something we should value, and if so, why? Does intercultural marriage (which often leads to Third Culture Kids) automatically mean that the cultures of the parents is ending?
2. What does it mean to say that India has an “old and rich tradition” (compared, presumably, against America or other Western cultures’ younger and poorer traditions)? Is it something we should value? What exactly do we mean by tradition, anyways?
3. What sort of culture – or cultures – do we want to have in our own lives? For those of us in intercultural relationships, what (if anything) are we losing by not creating a monocultural family? Will our lives be richer for it? Poorer? What about extended families?

Well, that’s a lot of questions! Enough for a book or three, certainly, so I’ll just give a simplified sketch of my own views on this matter, than open it up to the rest of you.

Intercultural Interviews: Indian Parents’ Perspective (Part Two)

This is the second part of the interview I held with my husband Aditya’s parents (you can find Part One here). This part starts off with an interlude on Maa and Baba’s first meeting for their “semi-arranged” marriage, then continues on the topic of their first impressions of me. I finally got them to discuss some negatives: what they find difficult in having a non-Indian daughter-in-law and my (apparently) one fault. We also discussed some of the things they dislike about general American culture (as it relates to interpersonal relationships), and ended with some advice Maa and Baba have for intercultural couples, both generally and for those having some difficulty with Indian in-laws.

Intercultural Interviews: Indian Parents’ Perspective (Part One)

I sat down with Aditya’s parents, Maa and Baba, a few nights ago with a list of eight questions to find out their views on American culture and intercultural relationships… and we ended up talking for over an hour, thus necessitating a Part One and a Part Two. Today’s portion focuses on the early days: their worries on sending their youngest son, Aditya, to a foreign country, thoughts on American culture, dating, and their first interactions with me.

To Hug or Not to Hug: More on Meeting the Parents

Aditya’s parents are visiting us again for the second time – they arrived late last week – which has cut into my blogging time as we catch up with them. Of course, it also means plenty of blogging material is being generated with our temporary extended family living situation. The last time they visited I only got out one substantive post on the topic – I hope to do a bit better this time. Of course, that post – which was on the (eek!) order that Aditya’s parents tried to bring to our home, disrupting my chaotic-but-somehow-functional mess of a system – still haunts us. Today Baba and Maa dusted and vacuumed the house while we at work – and then jokingly pointed out after I arrived home that my piles of mess were exactly where I left them, just cleaner.

(Little do they know that if I am stymied in blogging about their dastardly actions of cleaning our house & cooking delicious meals I have no problem in getting irrationally upset about some other minor issue. For example: the fridge has been reorganized without my express permission, and the dishwasher was inefficiently loaded, resulting in one less cup being washed than if I had loaded it. I’m still reeling!)

Since I haven’t had a chance to sit down and think through a post lately, I thought I’d share with you the transcript I’ve typed up in spare minutes from an NPR segment called Intercultural Relationships: Can They Work?. I’m not a professional transcriber, so there may be errors – but I figured something was better than nothing for those of you who can’t (or don’t like to) listen to podcasts. The segment (and my post title) was developed from an article in East West Magazine. The article, which you can find here, is quite complimentary to the NPR segment, and I encourage you to read it as well as the transcript below. I’ve bolded the parts I find particularly interesting, and will post my thoughts on it tomorrow in the comments section.

From Atheist to Hindu? Religion and My Intercultural Marriage

Me? Oh, well, I don’t have a faith. And, no, I’m not interested in getting one either.

That was my polite non-answer when asked about my religious beliefs by two Christians who stopped by Aditya’s and my doorstop to proselytize last weekend. And it was as true, as far as it goes – I’m not one much for simple faith in any context. When discussing my religious beliefs with friends & family, I’m most likely to to describe myself simply as an atheist. But when I’m feeling a little mischievous – or argumentative – I’ll sometimes put in that I’m an atheist – and a Hindu.

Yeah, it’s a bit of a complicated situation; I blame Aditya for it completely. Like many other things in my life, religion is something that has become more complicated since we set off on our intercultural marriage adventure.

Words on Hindostan – Part Two

Continuing from where we left off last time (see Part One for more details), here is Part Two of Mrs. Mortimer’s 1850s children’s book on India. The sections here – Religion, The Castes, The Ganges, and Beggars – are focused on Hinduism in India. Sadly, I suspect that few Americans know any more details about Hinduism than what is presented here – and I would not be surprised if few fundamentalist Christians (like some family members of mine) give the religion any more of a fair shake than Mrs. Mortimer does here. Of course, the words here are also troubling because a fair amount of it is true – although not the whole truth – once you strip away the venom and slant.

Don’t Get Your Undies in a Bunch: Worrying About Intercultural Quirks

Okay, I’m a huge supporter of researching your significant other’s culture and understanding cultural differences, but let’s just put this one out there: worrying about intercultural quirks can be taken too far. There’s reasonable concern, and then there’s fretting over – or being shocked by – cultural differences that, in the end, don’t really matter. Basically, Internet, I’m saying you shouldn’t get your tighty-whities in a wad over the smaller cultural differences or customs you discover in your intercultural relationships.

(And no, it’s not all small stuff – but there’s more small stuff than the amount of complaining would suggest.)

Indianfied Chicken Pot Pie

You may have noticed that, unlike many intercultural blogs, I don’t post any recipes of new Indian dishes I’ve learned to cook. Partially that’s because, well, I don’t cook much Indian food, really. And partially because I figure that all of you are intelligent to google your way to the thousands (or, at least, dozens) of cooking blogs that feature great recipes of traditional Indian dishes. There’s a few blogs I particularly like listed in the sidebar under Odds & Ends, if you haven’t seen this blogging niche before.

However, at least in the food blogs I follow, I’ve seen an untapped segment in the market – there aren’t any recipes of Indianfied traditional American dishes! This sort of fusion food, along with stir frys, is the majority of what I cook – just simple dishes that you ate growing up mixed with an Indian sense of spices. They’re the best of both worlds: quick, easy recipes that I know like the back of my hand adjusted so that Aditya won’t complain about “blandness” when we eat.

So, today I’ll share with you my recipe for Quick Indianfied Chicken Pot Pie. This is the dish that got amazed raves from Aditya’s parents when I served it to them. (I think that prior to my cooking it, they hadn’t realized I knew how to cook at all, so perhaps they were just glad I hadn’t accidentally poisoned them.) It’s a very simple, quick, filling dish, so even if you’re not much of a cook, you should be able to manage just fine. Besides the text below, I’ve loaded a bunch of images on my flickr site to show you how to do it step-by-step too.

Intertwined Utility Functions – the Economics of Relationships

The study of economics screws up your brain. Or, at least, that’s what people outside the field who haven’t drunk the econ kool-aid tell me. (Like most potentially insane people, I, of course, wouldn’t know if I were in fact insane. That’s the fun of it!)

Anyway, I’m informed that most people don’t think about romantic relationships in terms of intertwined, interdependent utility functions. But I do. And I think you should consider the idea too. Think of it as practice in learning how a subculture (a geeky, mathematically-inclined subculture) thinks about love and romance.

Words on Hindostan – Part One

There is no nation that has so many gods as the Hindoos. What do you think of three hundred and thirty millions! There are not so many people in Hindostan as that. No one person can know the names of all these gods; and who would wish to know them? Some of them are snakes, and some are monkeys!

Monkey gods!!?! Snake gods? And people call me a heathen!

Of course, I’m sure that I would be in for a few more choice names from Mrs. Favell Lee Mortimer, the Victorian children’s author who wrote the choice quote above. Mrs. Mortimer published a trilogy of geography/travel books for young missionaries-in-training, covering all of the world that Victorian England cared about in the 1850s — a truly amazing accomplishment, given that the lady had only traveled to Scotland and France during her life. Of course, accuracy and detail were not exactly Mrs. Mortimer’s aims: she does not claim “completeness, nor comprehensiveness, nor depth of research, nor splendour of description ; but the very reverse… simple, superficial, desultory character, as better adapted to the volatile beings for whom it is designed.”

Ah, how I miss my days as a volatile being!

Anyways, I found the book which covers Asian nations, Far off, in GoogleBooks this weekend, and thought to share some of the chapter on “Hindostan” with everyone. However, if you don’t have a taste for black humor – or can’t handle her rather venomous style of writing -, then feel free to skip this one. I do think it is very informative & thought-provoking, though – both for what she gets wrong about India, and what she manages to get right. Colonialism at its very best, of course:

Interracial Marriage in the US: Some Simple South Asian Demographics

Want to settle the debate on how much interracial marriage there is in the US? I know I’m tired of hearing the occasional uninformed comment on how South Asians just don’t marry people outside their ethnicity, and isn’t it downright odd that my supposedly proud-of-his-Indian-heritage husband would do so?

(Hmm, well, he is an odd, odd dude. But not because he’s married to me. Or, I mean, not ’cause he’s married to a white woman – I’ll admit you might have to be odd to voluntarily marry me. We brought matching crazy to the marriage table as dowry.)

Well, the statistics on interracial marriages in America are now here, courtesy the US Census, so we can put this baby to rest. Actually, the statistics have always been “here” since the 2000 Census information was released, but I’m not such a numbers nerd that I felt like crunching the raw data myself with SAS or STATA. Luckily for me, a pair of sociologists have already done the dirty work, and their results have been made available at Dr. C.N. Le’s Asian Nation website. I’m going to only present the South Asian related statistics here, but Dr. Le has the same sort of information available on all Asian ethnicities, and you can tease out information about other ethnicities as well.

Have You Ever Felt Guilty About Your Intercultural Relationship?

Recently, Aisha, a new reader, asked for some advice from any and all on her personal situation. However, she put in her request on a post from awhile back, where a lot of you are unlikely to see it. So, with her permission, I’m pulling up the original comment (slightly edited) into a post with the hope that all of you can chime in with any advice you might have. In short, Aisha is a Sikh woman studying at a university in Great Britain, who recently broke off her three year relationship with her white boyfriend because of an increasing feeling of guilt regarding how her parents would feel about the relationship – if they knew about it. She’s asking for advice on how people (or their significant others) have gathered up the courage to tell their parents about a relationship that would be disapproved of, and how they handle feelings of guilt.

Looking for a Few Good Blogs on Relationships, India, and All Things Intercultural?

I’ve been sick the past few days – the sort where you just sit in bed and alternate between sleeping & reading. So, not a lot of blog posts here, but I’ve had a chance to catch up with a few new blogs that have come to my attention recently. A few of them have been added to the blogroll recently, but without much ado. So now it’s time to make a bit of an ado – here’s some of the best posts I’ve found.

Intercultural Marriage Fluff

I normally avoid memes, but, hey, dooce did this one. And who doesn’t love a bit of relationship fluff, especially mid-week when the weekend still seems so far off? I’d love to hear all of yours as well – I’m not “tagging” anyone, but after you finish reading, do write up your own answering all or some of the questions. If you have your own blog, link back here for a trackback or comment with a link so I (and everyone else) can find ‘em. And if you don’t have your own blog feel free to add yours in the comments.

Of Love and Race

An excellent short documentary on interracial couples by Tim Tsai featuring four different intercultural marriages in the US.

I was most struck by the first third of the documentary, which focused on the (negative) attitudes that the couples have experienced by being in an interracial marriage. My personal experience has been quite different from that of the couples’ in the film. I have had very few negative encounters regarding my relationship with Aditya. I have cared about very few of the negative encounters I’ve had regarding my relationship with Aditya.

Cultural & Religious Differences: Understanding, Accepting, Embracing

Today I’d like to discuss three good ways of dealing with differing cultural and religious traditions – understanding them, accepting them, or embracing them – and why it’s perfectly okay to not embrace – or even accept – any tradition you find difficult or troubling, as long as that works for your particular relationship.