Intercultural Couple Question #2: What’s Your Opinion of Our Two Cultures?

True story: my husband and I got into an argument last night at one am because of this question. I asked him what his answer would be, after three years of marriage to an American, he answered, and somehow the conversation devolved into a debate on whether Christians in the U.S. see Muslims as more of a threat to their religion than Hindus, and if so, why.

People who know us well will not be surprised at this – a defining aspect of Aditya’s and my marriage is that we have intense debates often. Keeps us on our toes! But discussing this intercultural couple question is almost bound to raise some hackles, as it basically requires each person to criticize the other’s culture and/or country. That’s a feature, not a bug, though. Let me explain…

Intercultural Couple Question #1: What Was Your Childhood Like?

This is the first post from my ten question series on questions and discussion that are particularly important for intercultural or interracial couples to have. All of the posts from this series can be found on the series index, The Ten Questions Every Intercultural Couple Should Discuss.

My husband and I grew up in two different worlds. To some extent, all individuals do – all families are unique, after all, and everyone’s childhood has its own rhythm and rhyme. But intercultural couples, like Aditya and I, face particular difficulties in understanding – or even imagining – the experiences that have shaped each other’s lives. The differences between our childhood experiences are both in the bold, key features of our families – education, home language, family structure – and in the small details that make up everyday life – how we traveled to school, the chores we had as children, the games we played when homework was done.

The Ten Questions Every Intercultural Couple Should Discuss

There are the questions every serious couple – couples with commitment in mind -should discuss. And then there are the questions that I believe every intercultural, interracial, or international couple really must discuss – conversations that may not be as important for monoculture spouses or couples. This is a series for the second sort of questions – for the first, try the lists here, here, or here.

Friday Connections 04-12-09

Friday Connections: a time when I give links and a bit of commentary to things I’d blog about if I had the time. This week the categories are international photography (in honor of the DSLR arriving today purchased for our India trip), some language learning tools that have been suggested to me (or that I’ve found) recently,and race relations in East & Southeast Asia.

Interracial Divorce in the U.S. – Statistics and How Much They Matter

Divorce. DIVORCE. It’s one of those things America is known for around the world, along with Hollywood and blue jeans. I’m sure most of you have heard the statistic that “half of all marriages in America end in divorce”. And it’s commonly thought that it’s even worse if you marry outside your race, culture, or religion – if the average American couple has such a difficult time staying married, wouldn’t marriages where the husband and wife seem to have major differences (a built-in area of conflict, if you will) be even more prone to divorce?

With a reputation like that, it’s understandable that a non-American family – one which strongly values familial ties (like many Indian families) – may hear the 50% divorce statistic and be a bit panicked when a son or daughter announces plans to marry an American. The logic, I suspect, goes something like

This American, growing up among divorce – perhaps even having divorced parents or other family members – probably has different expectations about how marriages work and how long marriages last. Thus, if we want our son/daughter to have a good marriage for life, they shouldn’t get married to an American, since that means they’ll have a 50% chance of getting a divorce! Fifty percent!

There’s enough concern about the issue of America’s pesky divorce rate that there’s even a thread in the forum here on family divorces, and how, if, or why they ought or ought not be disclosed to Indian family members.

Truth is, however, the statistics of divorce are rather complicated, and it’s very easy to misinterpret what they mean for individual marriages. And that 50% divorce statistic? Not true . Especially for interracial, intercultural, or international couples, where things get a bit more complicated.

Intercultural Hospitality in Our Mixed Home

A commenter at this site, Lurker Frequent (aka LF), has once again asked a really interesting set of related questions in the comments section of a recent post that I’d like to address as a proper post, since I have plenty to say on the topic. Here’s his questions:

I am very curious to know about relationship dynamics in your Indian American Household, with regards to the cultural differences in customs in India and America.

More specifically, in India, people invite each other over and unexpectedly drop in and hang out and do things together. In the US it’s more planned, and “khatirdari” is less common in this DIY land. How does it work in your family? How do you handle all the social obligations of an Indian wife?

… the Indian bahu is “supposed” to do a bunch of stuff like cook, clean, wash, entertain the guests, manage social life etc. etc etc. It’s all voluntary though, no pressures in modern day families. How’s your “Bahurani” experience been like? Do you guys do all of that?

I think I’ll shelve the “chores” section of the question for a later date to focus on the hospitality portion of LF‘s question. So what follows here are my thoughts on hospitality generally in intercultural households, the interculturalness (or lack thereof) of our household hosting , and some general tips that might be of use to others.

Participate in an Interracial Marriage Study!

As most of you probably know, there is very little quantitative data out there on interracial marriages, especially anything beyond a basic count of how many there are. I recently stumbled across a study currently being conducted regarding satisfaction within interracial relationships, and I’d like to take a moment to encourage everyone here to consider taking about 20 minutes out of your day to help out a doctoral student completing the study, if you meet the requirements listed below.

Friday Connections 27-11-09

Friday Connections: a time when I give links and a bit of commentary to things I’d blog about if I had the time. This week the categories are mixed families, cross-cultural food, and gender inequality issues in India (with a really sweet video).

Winter Meetup ’09 Details

The meetup for next weekend – discussed in this earlier post – is on! Here are the details:

• Place: Café Assorti at 1800 Wilson Blvd. Arlington VA
  • Located between the Rosslyn and Courthouse metro stops in Northern Virginia, this cafe features Kazakh dishes and pastries (think Turkish meets Russian meets delicious). Parking shouldn’t be too much of a problem if you’re driving in – just look a street or two over off of Wilson. It should be a nice place to sit and chat.

• Time & Date: 2 pm ish, Sunday December 6th
  • Aditya and I thought that, given that people are coming from different areas, it’d be best if we don’t do a meal at restaurant at a specific time. This way if you run into traffic (oh, DC traffic), it’s not that big of a deal – just come in when you can, order up a pastry and coffee, and join in the conversation. We’ll be there from 2pm from whenever things run down. If it keeps going for awhile, well, Ray’s Hell-Burger is just across the street for an early dinner. Warning: breakfast (which features strawberry and cream crepes!) is only served ’til 3 pm at Cafe Assorti, so don’t arrive too late.

• Who: Anyone!
  • Anyone is welcome to come, whether you’re new to this blog or not, in an intercultural relationship or not, or whatever. Feel free to bring friends if they’d like to sample Kazakh food.

If you’ve got any questions, let me know below!

Friday Connections – 13-11-09

Oh yeah, I dated this international style! So, I”ve decided to start linking some of my favorite reads at the end of the week – there’s a million and one things I run across that seem like they’d be of interest to the readers of this blog, but I never have time to write a whole blog post about each one. Thus, Friday Connections. I’ll try to group links each week into subjects. Let me know what you guys think!

Begging in India and How to Actually Help the Poor

If you want to help Indian children, please don’t give to child beggars.

Of all of the advice I might give to individuals traveling to India – or most of the developing world – the most important one would be

Don’t give to beggars

I realize this sounds cruel and callous. It feels cruel and callous to me, even when I know it’s the best choice – especially when I’m sitting in an air-conditioned car in India, idling at a red light, and people who are clearly poor, clearly in need come to the window begging for a small handout. Just a few rupees, which, to an American or other Western traveler, is next to nothing. Change I probably wouldn’t bother to pickup off the ground if I saw it. Can you ignore such clear need without guilt creeping up on you?

I can’t. I feel guilty for my Western extravagance when I see the numerous beggars in India. Very guilty. But I still don’t give them any money. The reason is because I know – from a few simple economic principles – that giving to beggars is not a particularly noble deed. In fact, I’d say that giving to beggars in a poor, developing country – like India – is a bad act. It certainly doesn’t seem that way – and I don’t think givers give with bad intentions – but it’s still a problem. Let me explain…

Taste of India

One of the things I’m looking forward to on our upcoming late winter trip to India (mid-February through early March) is being able to sample the regional food in the areas we’ll be traveling through. Aditya and I will be in India for about three weeks and in that time we’ll go through Delhi, Uttar Pradesh, Rajasthan, Maharashtra and West Bengal – so there will be lots of different types of local delicacies to try! A friend sent me this map she found to help me prepare for this culinary delight (and to make me salivate), and I thought I’d share it with you all

Indian Wedding Story – Part Seven

This is Part Seven - the last of a continuing series on my Indian wedding adventure. If you’re new to Gori Girl, try checking out Part One, where the story starts.

When we left off (oh so long ago) on the story of Aditya’s and my Hindu wedding in Part Six, I mentioned we had just finished performing the Laja Homa, in which puffed rice is offered as a sacrifice to the fire.

After the Laja Homa, Aditya and I sat down again to exchange our marriage vows. Now, um, this is a bit embarrassing but, you guys? I totally let down all Americans in this part of the ceremony. I kinda sorta gave the impression to all the guests that adult, well-educated Americans (as represented by yours truly) don’t know where the heart is located. You know, the whole “dumb Americans” stereotype in living color.

Meeting Me and Aditya – You In?

Without doubt this blog has been far more successful than I ever imagined it could be when I started it. Today, just a little over 18 months since I started writing at Gori Girl, we passed the mark of over two thousand comments written here by individuals other than Aditya & I. Two thousand comments, most of which have been detailed, thoughtful contributions to the post I’ve written. I hope you guys understand how thankful I am for your participation here – the discussions and, yes, disagreements have contributed much to my thoughts on things intercultural and India.

Appropriately enough, a post by Normis in the forums yesterday reminded me that we never got around to holding a “Gori Girl” meet-up for everyone in the Mid-Atlantic region this past summer. (What can I say? Summer is always a busy time for us.) So – who’s interested in hanging out somewhere in the DC or NoVA region? I promise you can mock my Hindi pronunciation. More details below the fold.

Germany and Leaves: Social Norms

The autumn season is upon us here in Virginia – the leaves have turned bright yellow, orange, red, and cover our yard and front walk in a multicolored carpet.

All I can think is that I’m so glad I don’t live in Germany anymore.

My Hindi Language Learning Goals and Plan

I’ve written briefly in the past about ways to learn a new language, but with my new Hindi Project pushing language learning to the forefront of my free time, I realize that I need to spell out exactly what my language learning goals are, and the timetable I’m setting to achieve them. A large part of the Hindi Project is accountability – and that requires specific details!

A Hindi PostSecret Postcard

Checking the new postcards at PostSecret is one of my favorite Sunday morning traditions. As wikipedia explains PostSecret is “an ongoing community mail art project, created by Frank Warren, in which people mail their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard.” As I see it, it’s just one more example of the amazing connections and sharing of common human experiences the internet can lead to. When I saw today’s card, I knew I had to share it here.

The author of the postcard wrote in this morning to share the missing word, and translate her words:

I’m studying Hindi, so that when I meet your parents, I can tell them I love you.

The Best Cultural Resource You Have

If there is ONE piece of advice I could give to intercultural couples with questions and concerns – only one – it would be to

Ask Your Partner!

It seems like such a simple thing. If you have a question about your significant other’s culture, religion, traditions, or family, why wouldn’t you ask him or her? Your partner is your best resource in understanding his or her cultural background! And yet, rarely does a day go by when I don’t get a question in an email or blog comment (or read a post somewhere else on the internet) in which the quickest, most direct way to get the question answered would be if the curious or confused person just started a conversation with his or her partner on the topic.

When in Rome, Do As the Romans Do… Sometimes

Most of my American friends live in horror of being that American tourist when traveling abroad. We’ve all heard the horror stories of the rude American traveler who behaved in a completely culturally insensitive way while traveling, working, or living abroad. The person who tromps into a Japanese house wearing his shoes. Or complains loudly about the stupidity of grocery stores being closed in Germany on a Sunday. No one wants to be that person, right? In an effort to not be that person, friends have told me they try their darnedest to follow that age old maxim: when in Rome, do as the Romans do – i.e. follow the customs of the land and culture that you find yourself in, even if they aren’t your customs. Nothing wrong with trying to be respectful in all ways possible of other cultures, right?

Well, no – there are some things wrong with that old rule about following other culture’s customs as much as possible. My main complaint with the “when in Rome” adage is that it simplifies a topic that defies simplification. Tossing the rule out in a conversation as a simple, true fact (as happened recently in the comments section at another blog that inspired this post) strikes me as similar to slapping a bandage on what is, in fact, a thorny issue. Sometimes it’s a good idea to follow the customs and traditions of another society while you’re visiting (or living in) it. But sometimes it’s a really bad idea.

An Office Diwali Celebration

Ah, Diwali. Fesitval of lights. A celebration of good triumphing over evil. A time to bemuse your boss and win free dessert from your local Indian buffet. Right?

As I’ve mentioned previously, I happen to work in a very diverse office – and with a recent switch in teams, I now report to a South Indian manager. He’s a great boss, but, occasionally, well, I can’t help myself – I’ll mention a Hindu tradition or a Bollywood film just to see his reaction. You see, despite the fact that he knows I’m married to an Indian, he’s always so surprised when I show any knowledge of Indian culture. Shocked, almost.

So, of course, to celebrate Diwali this year I decided to wear a sari to work.