And I think you all have covered any point I might have wanted to make in response to Sardi. Sardi, I hope you don’t feel like we all dogpiled you, but it really is true that NeoKalypso is very earnest in her efforts to understand Indian culture – but she can’t do that if she feels uncomfortable in her new surroundings. It’s like going to a party where you only know one person: a few uber-extroverted people might jump right in and love it, but others of us (like me!) will feel nervous and need some guidance/introductions from the friend we know.

Oh yes…Quizman…I’m a huge fan of the flava

TO lighten up the mood a little, here are two atypical flavors of Indians, one Canadian and one Scot. Perhaps, NK will get new insights from at least one of ‘em.

As the resident Indian, I’d echo the “please dont speak for me or my culture or how someone should or shouldnt behave”.

Personally, I think it’s actually a good thing to have questions about the ceremony – because that means you’ve been paying attention… I’d bet good money that most Indians who attended the ceremony would remember less about what was going on that NK…

I think what NK was looking for, was for R to be a cultural guide… which seems perfectly normal… I dont know about other Indians, but when I attended american ceremonies – christmas, thanksgiving, etc – I asked my host plenty of questions and tried to stick as close to them as possible…

I’m actually glad this came up because it illustrates something so crucial to intercultural relationships: perspective. To Sardi, I’m self-centered, to others I’m pretty open and doing my best to accept.

Perspective is why I read these blogs and gauge how other Americans have forged relationships with Indians. Some Americans are incredibly comfortable with the culture and kind of thrust themselves right into the mix–I think Gori is kind of like that. Others won’t have anything at all to do with the culture and even say repulsive things about it. I tend to float around the more comfortable and accepting end of things, but, not without some turbulence .

At the same time, Indians percieve Americans’ efforts in different ways too. For example, if I don a sari, and did everything “to the tee” Indian, one family might think I am wonderful and open and another family might think I’m sort of a pandering poser.

See it’s all about perspective, comfort zones, and how they exist on a spectrum… that’s why the individual stories are so very important. We all need to find our comfort zones and then have confidence in our choices and actions.

And, I do tend to think the open, slow, and steady approach works best. R’s parents are slowing coming around…it’s been pretty interesting to witness (through R…). It has REALLY helped to not seek out lots of information and judge his parents during their “coming around” time. It’s really looking like there will be a fall meeting with the rents. But it’s so weird…the more R and I grow in our relationship, the less I care so much about the family stuff. For me, as I know I can trust R more, the less anxious I am about his parents’ response to me. I’m not responsible for making R’s parents happy and vice versa. As the responsiblity R and I have to each other thickens and becomes of primary importance, the more promising things look .

I think all of you handled yourselves awesomely and your willingness to understand a new experience was great.

I wish more people, Indian or not were as accepting.

Thanks for the support, gang. However, the comment didn’t really phase me. I have no problem being challenged. It made me pause for a second but there’s not much that can penetrate my confidence and good feeling about where I’m headed .

I can testify that NK did pay very close attention to details of the wedding, because she told me all about it in private. But that wasn’t what her post was about – it was about the feelings one can have when navigating unfamiliar territory, especially when one has a vested interest in fitting in and belonging. NK’s story is very valuable to this blog community since a lot of us can relate to those feelings and have had to grapple with how to bridge cultural gaps while still meeting our own needs. Figuring out that she needed R near her to help her understand what was going on in a new situation does not make her self-obsessed. It makes her human.

First, of all around a few of the Indian/American dating blogs and in real life I’m known as someone who is very, very “pro-Indian”… so I find this interesting to respond to.

I was actually extremely interested in the wedding and found it to be a fascinating experience. It was also somewhat jolting, too.

Figuring out such different intercultural things is not as easy as flipping a switch as you say. If you can really do that–great for you—but for most of us trying to cross the Indian-American relationship divide, it’s not that easy. Some people get really angry about Indian ways and use ranting, spouting off generalizations to cope (not me) and others try to unpack things in more of a cool, “see the light at the end of the tunnel” way. I would consider myself one of those people. Finding your comfort zone isn’t an automatic, “self-obsessive” process either.

And it’s a mixed bag as far as Indian people and their comfort zones, too. Some Indians can really mesh into “American” functions with ease and others refuse to all together. In general the more Traditional Indian the family, the less able they are to mesh with American ways.

The fact that I’m giving my intercultual relationship my best, learning to accept and incorporate many new customs into my life, and trying things that are genuinely new to me frankly puts me leagues ahead of most R’s family in a lot of ways (he can attest to that). Even so, I won’t rip on them or their ways. I don’t call them self obsessed or narcissistic. I’m figuring things out…trying to to judge, and enjoying all the good things about this process.

Plus, I really wasn’t aware that asking my date to spend a little more time with me (explaining the customs in fact) would be bending an “Indian custom” (?). In fact I was trying to learn more about the ceremony and R struggled to answer my questions!!

Babysitting. Seriously… have you read about other American girls and how they deal with their Indian dudes? I’m one of the tougher broads out there… HA!

I don’t ask anyone to bend the customs at American weddings for me, so I think you should consider being a tad less self-obsessed.

CT, that’s a great, creative idea for getting around the kissing issue. The glass tapping reminds me of G’s (female) cousin’s wedding — there was glass-tapping galore, most of which came from the bride’s father. It was funny to see an Indian man encouraging his daughter to kiss her husband! Although, he might have just been overly happy that they actually got married, since they were living together before they were even engaged and he was not at all pleased with that situation. Scandalous!