A Cougar in the Backyard: Dispatches from My First Indian Wedding
In this guest post, NeoKalypso of Doings & Undoings give us her thoughts on the first Indian wedding she attended.
Igniting the fear and fascination of city dwellers, a cougar recently turned up roaming around my highly metropolitan area. The cat was a fairly big dude, about 5 feet in length 150lbs, and eventually made its way into the tiny backyard of a resident who described seeing the animal roam by his window as “surreal.” When the police came they tried to contain the beast, but when it lunged at a policeman it was shot and killed. Turns out, shooting the cougar was really the only option given how ill fitted the city is for large, wild animals. The cougar could have killed someone, and there was no easy access to vets or tranquilizers to entertain any other safe idea. This is an example of an ecotone: when two different ecosystems collide and cause tension. The cougar and the city dwellers were just doing what they knew to survive, unfortunately both could not survive together.
Fortunately, I made it out of my first Indian wedding alive, and though my experience isn’t as dramatic as the poor cougar’s fate, I certainly felt out of my element. After having traveled plenty of strange places, visiting Buddhist Mongolian homes, sleeping in $3 hostels, and not to mention my general love for Indian culture, one would think I could handle any kind of situation, any kind of pressure… right? In almost any other contexts and as a seasoned, brave explorer, I think I would have found The Indian Wedding a smörgåsbord of fascination and wonder. However, let me tell you, The Indian Wedding is a much different experience when you are dating one of their own.
Hey, this is a little bit… different!
First of all, I learned that people don’t typically bring dates to Indian wedding unless they are engaged or married to them. It’s just the way it is. Of course, I learned this after the fact and wondered if I was sort of scandalous or irreverent in some way by being R’s date. As I’m sure many of you know, dating is beyond the Traditional Indian periphery, and can be acknowledged as frivolous and even sometimes disrespectful towards the community. Even so, R was bold enough to bring me and really showed a lot of bravery and respect towards our relationship in doing so. Nonetheless, my R was not used to having a “date.” That’s number one.
Number two, it is typical for the ladies and the men to sort of have separate shin-digs throughout the ceremony/reception. So it was typical when R left to go hang out with the guys for 30-45 minutes and me in the company of the Indian gals (who I hardly knew). I couldn’t really understand why he was doing this because as a “date” at weddings I was under the impression that you…hang out with your “date.” So this dynamic, more specific to Indian weddings, sort of left me scratching my head a few times when R disappeared again. I finally told him, mildly exasperated, “Hey! If you’re going to bring me to these things, you have to hang out with me!”
I think this point kind of hints at differences typical of individualist versus collectivist mindsets. At “American” weddings you and your date, fiancé, or spouse usually kind of hang out together throughout the event. There might be times when you and your date go off and talk to others, but it’s usually not for the entire evening. Even though R left on and off at the Indian Wedding/Reception, he was probably the most attentive of the Indian guys to their “dates.” Indian weddings seem to be all about the community, the culture as a whole, and not so much coupling. At the reception, R even picked up a little wandering Indian kid who he didn’t know. When the family saw, they didn’t bat an eyelash and in fact, giggled. R of course eventually brought the little guy back. From the American weddings I’ve been at, most people are pretty vigilant about sticking their kids with who they know. An American might say, “Oh it’s dangerous and unsafe to let your kids wander!” But an Indian might roll their eyes and say, “Please, there is no harm, the kid is having fun, and we all take care of each other here.” It took me a bit to wrap my more individualist prone mind around these concepts.
As far as the sari I wore, the food I ate, and the incredible ceremonial aspects of the wedding itself, I was very comfortable throughout and immensely enjoyed myself. The length of the wedding (about 3.5 hours), all the getting ready, changing outfits for the reception, and the length of the reception rituals did get a little daunting and overwhelming at times. However, I was able to roll pretty well in my typical laid-back form through all those things.
The challenge of being out of my element
The part that puzzled and sort of challenged me most about The Indian Wedding is feeling disconnected from R and experiencing him in a dramatically different way than what I have grown used to. I was able to understand some of this because I knew he was nervous to bring a “date” (his first to an Indian wedding!), anxious about a family member meeting me, and I later realized how the Indian boy/girl camps work at these things. But I wasn’t used to him being so serious, running around and fulfilling needs of The Village as they arose (and inevitably will). It’s not that I was necessarily upset about seeing R as this different, distant person I usually know so intimately and well, I just felt ruffled, perplexed, and a bit out of my element with the whole production…just like the cougar in the backyard.
I didn’t realize these things until a day or two after the wedding…I knew it felt intense, new, and very different to me but I couldn’t pinpoint why right away. Usually I roll with ease in new and challenging situations, and often thrive in them, but it felt very different, and even a little anxiety provoking, to really be on the inside of it. Apart from a few quizzical comments, I didn’t get huffy or upset with R throughout the ceremonies. I tried to let my thoughts marinate and was able to revisit these issues with him a few days later.
R said he never wants me to feel disconnected from him, but stressed there are certain protocols at Indian weddings. Interestingly, he commented that he feels out of place at “American” weddings often being the odd man out…I suppose I got somewhat of a dose of my culture’s own medicine the day of the wedding, too. R and I wonder if maybe when we live in the same city (finally after a year and a half!) and can spend lots of time together, Indian community shin-digs won’t be so intrusive on our time together. I know this was just one instance, one event but I can’t help but wonder if R will always turn into this person I don’t know at the Indian gatherings, someone whose Indianness actually feels like a barrier rather than a source of admiration and intrigue.
Compromises and needs
The way I went about working through these fears is sharing my concerns with R and making a few of my Western needs clear. First, is that eventually (maybe it won’t happen until we are “official” in his parents eyes—I’m willing to wait) he can hold my hand and put his arm around me in public—at least when we are at functions in the States. Second, like I said to him at the reception, he’s going to have to continue to try and be more of a “date” even at Indian weddings and events—even if he’s around family. And I lastly, because of our occasionally different East/West mindsets, we’re really going to have to continue to work out these sorts of ongoing differences in terms of hanging out mostly with his family and friends. Sometimes I feel a little scared about it, like the misplaced cougar delving deep into something she doesn’t know, but when I think about what I have with R, and how receptive he is to my concerns, the risks really do seem worth it.
Take home lesson: Learn the framework—fight the urge to judge, get upset and say fiery things. If you’re new to Indian culture it’s going to take a while to learn the structure of ceremonies and the roles that are expected of people. Fight to take these things personally. Ask your partner to explain things, like Dr. Evil says, “Need the info!” After you have the info and understand the frameworks as they are (without judging them—cause you sure aint gonna change ‘em!), think about how you can fit into it in a way that is satisfactory to you. So think about your needs, think about what you can sacrifice and what you simply cannot. Communicate these things to your partner . . . and well . . . keep plugging along. You’re not alone.
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Comments
yeah - but you can’t deny the exaggerated segregation of the sexes in Indian “parties”… I’ve never really gone to any sort of Indian party that involved people over 30 [and married] and not seen this… “sexual segregation”
*giggle*
This was a really interesting post - thanks!
The extent of male/female segregation in social situations really took me aback, too, when I first starting spending time in social functions in India (ie, anything bigger than hanging out with my SO and his immediate family - even just adding in an aunt, uncle, and batch of cousins seemed to shift things pretty immediately).
Although I realize that there is some of this kind of a pattern in many parts of American culture, I at least have never encountered such a strong pattern, where even though the women on average spoke significantly less English (or were significantly less comfortable trying to communicate in English, which isn’t necessarily the same thing…), and even though I was clearly anxious and just wanting to stay by my SO for a while as I figured things out, neither of these things were a match for the VERY strong expectation that if I wanted to be thought of as part of the family, I would hang out with the other women.
Interestingly, none of it at least felt “sexist” to me - I didn’t feel like I was being kept from the interesting things, stuck doing dishes in the kitchen - as often as not, the women were sitting around the kitchen snacking and drinking tea, while the men were off doing some sort of actual work. It was more just the expectation that this is how women bond, and if I set myself apart from it, his mother and aunts and female cousins will feel shunned, and like I didn’t really want to get to know them.
There was some element of it being actually inappropriate for me to be spending too much time with the men, though, too - particularly my SO’s father and his long time friends clearly wanted at least some time to talk and joke and reminisce on their own (not at all unlike US society), and, in addition, there are some activities (anything done surreptitiously even for men - say, stealing the occasional drink, or playing (gasp!) cards) where I do think it would have made everyone very uncomfortable for me as a female to be present (a little less like at least my corner of American culture).
Overall, though, I think that once I’d gotten a little more used to holding my own in the groups of women (which really just took plunging in there - sari shopping the second day we got there before our wedding was a great “jumping into the deep end!” kind of start!), and they’d gotten a little more used to me (and weren’t quite so constantly convinced I was about to break or catch fire or develop this crazy thing they’d heard could happen to white people, where the sun would scorch my skin off, and then what would they say to all those wedding guests next week?)… that I stopped feeling like my SO was abandoning me when he left to go hang out with the men.
And, honestly, at that point, I actually really enjoyed seeing him slip back into being a part of Indian society. Particularly during our first trip to India / visit to his family (before we were engaged), seeing him meld right back into such a tight fabric of family and community was perhaps even a bit of a revelation for me. It’s one thing to know that the person you’re dating grew up in another country and has picked up an unusually large fraction of their understanding of American culture from watching Seinfeld… and it’s another thing to really SEE that a number of the personality characteristics that you’ve always associated with them are perhaps just artifacts of this, and that when back in their own family environment, they show a level of knowledge and understanding and ease with how all of it works and how to play their role and navigate what feel like hundreds of little social threads that… well, I don’t think I’ve ever had quite such ease even in my own family. Really, I think watching him casually balance all of this at one time, while still having fun and cracking jokes with his cousins and making his (most adorable ever) little second-cousin giggle every time he walked past, that I really knew I ought to marry the man.
SF, thank you SOOOOO much for your comment here and over at my other blog (my mysterious, hidden blog—how did you ever find it?!??!?! 
). Maybe you don’t know but travelwith____ and NK are one in the same–me! Ha.
Anyway, reading your story and positive comments really made my day and makes me feel really supported. I want to write more but am crunched for time. Thanks again for all your wonderful insight… but then again, great minds think alike!
Great analogy you make, NK. And gorgeous photo of that cougar. wow.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I didnt know you went to India with R!
You also brought up some good points about Indian culture. Ive known alot of Americans who are uncomfortable with the ’segregation’ but I really welcome it. I guess just my personality and interests make me prefer being around Indian women. It can be unsettling to be thrown in with a bunch of people you dont know, and more so when they speak a different language, but still I prefer it to the men, lol. And Im shy anyway.
Also you mentioned “At the reception, R even picked up a little wandering Indian kid who he didn’t know.” You’re right, there is so much more of a community feeling in India. Its a really nice thing. I remember having to warn my hubby here DONT TOUCH THE KIDS!!! Here is much more closed off society.
Very good ending lesson you wrote 
Great post, NK!
I can relate to feeling out of your element at Indian event but still having a good time. I attended a Bhajan (a gathering of people singing devotional songs) this weekend at M’s auntie and uncle’s house where I was brought in front of a huge group of Indian people I’d never met before who draped a cloth over my hair and sang me this amazingly joyous song as their way of blessing me because I’m getting married. It was a little overwhelming to be the white person in the room and also the total center of attention, but I just relaxed into to it and had a good time. M took some pictures of me being showered with attention, and I have a really big smile on my face in all of them.
Yeah – I discovered that dates are not usually brought to Indian weddings too last year when M’s cousin got married within a month of my cousin getting married. While he was definitely invited to my cousin’s wedding, I watched him walk off alone to his cousin’s because I wasn’t invited. In fact, at that time, his family had no idea I existed, whereas mine knew all about M and were looking forward to finally meeting him. Your discussion of R’s wandering off and not being a particularly attentive date actually gives me some insights into M’s behavior when he’s come with me to non-Indian weddings. Even in a non-Indian event setting, he usually wanders off and chit-chats with other guests leaving me continually searching around the room for him. I never thought about it but that must be because that’s the way he’s used to behaving at the weddings he’s been to. I remember at my cousin’s wedding giving up on trying to find him and just hitting the dance floor myself because I’ll be damned if I don’t get to dance at a wedding – that’s the best part!
I think the first time I saw M interact with his Indian family and community, I felt I was seeing a whole new side of him too which is especially weird when you feel you know someone inside and out. But he also had a similar reaction to watching me interact with my family for the first time – that he was seeing me in a new light too – even pointing out the effect certain family members have on my behavior. I think it’s great that you share your needs with R. Even being able to figure out what exactly what those needs are is an accomplishment in and of itself. I remember being thrown for a loop when M and I first started talking about getting married, and I realized that he would not feel comfortable kissing me in front of his family at our wedding. It bothered me for a while, and I had to really stop and think about what was important to me, and what I was okay with, and what we needed to discuss and compromise on – and sometimes, like you, I have to really let in marinate in order to really pinpoint what exactly it is that concerns or bothers me. I’ve also discovered that when I do have to compromise because of our cultural differences, many times it’s possible to re-frame the situation so that doesn’t seem like so much of a sacrifice of what I want as much as it does a challenge to think creatively. And when I look it in that light, it never seems that bad.
Hey, Mirchi—just one note, the wedding was in the US. But I have traveled India for a month (even before I knew R).
Thanks for all your great insight, too!
Aww I hear you CT. The whole not kissing on the wedding day is a kicker for me too :(. Ahhh changing perspectives can be a very good (and sometimes very Indian) tactic :).
Gori, how did you handle the kissing on the wedding day thing?
Hoo boy, the kissing at the wedding was a bit of a thing for us, too. Everyone who came to the wedding was fine with it, since just about everyone who was there has lived in the US for many years and those who came from India were young enough and knew enough about Western culture to not let it bother them. However, showing the video/pictures of wedding to G’s grandparents and others of that generation required some explanation that “it’s just the way things are done there.” The only picture in my MIL’s album of us kissing is the one at the end of the Western ceremony, and we were quite frankly surprised that she even picked that one. I guess she decided it was an important part of the ceremony. Also, funny thing — G was fine with kissing me when we were in our Western wedding clothes, but when we were in our Indian wedding clothes, he would barely even hold my hand. He just didn’t feel right doing it; I guess Indian clothes = proper Indian behavior. The photographer (who is Indian but was also born in the US) was telling us to kiss, and I would go for it, but G would stiffen up and lean back. Eventually she gave up, but all of those pictures are pretty amusing.
@NK - oh, thank you! And, I’d actually had no idea you were the same person - thanks for letting me in on the secret =)
@CT - You know, I’d never thought very much about the extent to which seeing me with my family is a different experience for my husband or not - now I’m really curious! I’ll have to ask what that’s like for him….
I’d also never thought about the kissing or no kissing at a wedding issue - I guess we just skipped that altogether by having one “American” wedding in my family’s home town (where we did kiss - although other than that it wasn’t all that traditional…) and then an entirely separate ceremony in India. I did worry some about his parents & extended family seeing the photos from the American ceremony, where I’m wearing a sleeveless and, at least by Indian standards, a relatively low cut dress, and my husband in many photos has his arm around me or is holding my hand (behavior we certainly didn’t engage in in India). But, it does seem to me that some version of the “in the US / in American dress vs. in India / in Indian dress” division really holds for his family, too. Which is interesting - it makes me think that in some ways it’s not the specific actions themselves (eg, wearing a sleeveless shirt) that worry his mother, it’s what it would imply if I were to do them in an Indian context (ie, she associates women who would make the decision to do such a thing in India with being superficial and not stable / family oriented people). But she can understand that the decision to do such things in American doesn’t imply the same personal qualities, so in that context it doesn’t bother her as much. Which, actually, seems pretty reasonable to me!
@D and SF – I really appreciate hearing your experiences with the “kissing at the wedding” issue!
D, it’s so interesting that G’s behavior changed according to the clothes he was wearing. I have a background in theatre and performance, and spent part of my studies exploring the notion of culture as a kind of performance in the theatre of every day life – so I can’t help but think of what you describe as G making a “costume change” and then “performing” according to the conventions appropriate to the role he was in at the time (either as an Indian groom or as a Western groom) which, as SF suggests, has everything to do with context. I think people do this all the time, but it’s rare that you get to see it done in such a distinct manner with a full-fledged costume change and everything!
I had an experience with the future ILs and a kissing picture too. We made a bunch of Save the Dates with one of four pictures of us on them. One of the pictures (my favorite incidentally) was of M kissing me on the cheek. M made it clear that that particular picture would not be sent to the Indian guests on his side, but I was surprised that he showed the picture to his parents, and his dad actually said that the kissing one was his favorite one too. Surprisingly, the one I thought his parents would love, which was a picture of us at an Punjabi Indian wedding in Indian clothes, they weren’t that thrilled about because M was wearing a turban. I guess in Punjabi culture it’s okay for male guests to wear turbans, but in Gujarati culture, only the groom ever wears a turban. M’s mom was really worried that Gujarati guests would see him in the turban and think that we were already married so she asked us not to send that one out to Indian guests either.
As for the kissing issue, I’m kind of proud of how we are handling it. When M first told me he did not feel comfortable kissing me at the wedding, it bothered me for a while, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint why. Finally, I realized it was because at every wedding I’ve ever been to, I’ve always loved the tradition of tapping your fork against your glass and getting the newlyweds to kiss. In fact, my friends *know* I love this tradition, and I’m sure they’ll make a point of doing it to me (probably as payback for the number of times I made them do it at their weddings). I got a chance to see the video of M’s cousin’s wedding and when some of her friends did this, the bride and groom’s faces turned bright red and they kind of sat there and ignored their friends. I don’t want to do that to my friends, but I also don’t want M to kiss me if it makes him uncomfortable. So we devised a plan. Rather than shying away from the idea of kissing, we’ve decided to make it a kind of theme at our reception. We are giving away Hershey’s kisses as favors and our first dance song in “A Kiss to Build a Dream On” (which has sentimental value to us for other reasons too). M has agreed to let me give him a small kiss him on the cheek at the end of that song, and as for the fork tapping, we’re going to have a bowl of Hershey’s kisses at our table. If anyone does the fork-tapping thing, M *will* give me a kiss, it’ll just be a chocolate one. And later, in private, for every chocolate one I collect, he promises me a very good, real kiss. My bridesmaids will let fork-tapping guests know this so they can help me collect as many as possible.
I guess this is what I mean re-framing things and then thinking creativity. I actually like the solution we came up with better than original tradition (frankly, because it involves chocolate – and I like anything that involves chocolate!) And I like that we made up our own tradition that works for both of us.
Wow! I didn’t realize I wrote so much again, and sorry for always babbling on about weddings - I think it’s just on my mind right now!
OMG…love the babbling. CT I think your story should be a whole post: The Kiss at the Wedding Conumdrum. Gori what do you think??? (I know she’s busy studying…)
And, what an AWESOMELY creative, fun (and kinda hot!!!) idea. So as you are collecting kisses you can share a secret, romantic nod (well one that we know about now …hehehe…so glad you shared though!!). It kind of excites me that you and M have this little secret and then when you are alone you can really cash in!!!!! Ohh la la!! Who knew skating around a more traditional crowd could be kind of exciting and hot!!??! HEHEHEH!
Just to continue on this note… ohhh laa laa all that repression and build up… OMG please stop me. R hurry up and get in town!!! I’m out of control!
Oh! How adorable!
I love that the core of the story is taking a cultural issue that seemed like it might weaken your relationship - and turning it into something so sweet and personal and memorable. Definitely a model to remember and strive to live up to….
sf: I know right?! The creativity and impeccable problem solving here tickles me to death.
I mean, this little chocolate exchange may prove to be more exciting and rewarding than the kiss itself!!! Who knows
These are the stories we need to hear more of!
NK! You make me blush! I was trying to play up the innocent, sweet part about how this is a cool idea because I really like chocolate! (But I confess: I do like the secretive , sexy - ~we’ll have our real fun later~ part too!)
And, oh how I remember the days of long distance and longing! At least R will moving to town soon - hang in there, NK!
Hehehehh, I know, I am naughty in a myriad of ways. Thank goodness I have you to keep me in line.
You are right though. The part that matters most is that it is innocent, sweet, and a very thoughtful, creative compromise. That’s what we’re all about here!!!
Innocence is what we’re about here? Why wasn’t I informed?
(I wasn’t here. You didn’t see anything. I’m studying upper hemicontinuous curves & gen equilibrium theory, not wasting time reading blogs. Of course.)
Haha, you guys crack me up.
CT, that’s a great, creative idea for getting around the kissing issue. The glass tapping reminds me of G’s (female) cousin’s wedding — there was glass-tapping galore, most of which came from the bride’s father. It was funny to see an Indian man encouraging his daughter to kiss her husband! Although, he might have just been overly happy that they actually got married, since they were living together before they were even engaged and he was not at all pleased with that situation. Scandalous!
Here’s a thought: maybe it isn’t always about you and your needs? Maybe if you spent more time being interested in the wedding and the bride/groom instead of focusing on your own needs you would have felt more at ease? I’m sure no one would have minded your presence. Believe it or not, other Indian people at the wedding and not just “R” have actually been around other white people. Why should “R” have to babysit you b/c that’s how it is at American weddings?
I don’t ask anyone to bend the customs at American weddings for me, so I think you should consider being a tad less self-obsessed.
Oh wow, this is a fun one to respond to.
First, of all around a few of the Indian/American dating blogs and in real life I’m known as someone who is very, very “pro-Indian”… so I find this interesting to respond to.
I was actually extremely interested in the wedding and found it to be a fascinating experience. It was also somewhat jolting, too.
Figuring out such different intercultural things is not as easy as flipping a switch as you say. If you can really do that–great for you—but for most of us trying to cross the Indian-American relationship divide, it’s not that easy. Some people get really angry about Indian ways and use ranting, spouting off generalizations to cope (not me) and others try to unpack things in more of a cool, “see the light at the end of the tunnel” way. I would consider myself one of those people. Finding your comfort zone isn’t an automatic, “self-obsessive” process either.
And it’s a mixed bag as far as Indian people and their comfort zones, too. Some Indians can really mesh into “American” functions with ease and others refuse to all together. In general the more Traditional Indian the family, the less able they are to mesh with American ways.
The fact that I’m giving my intercultual relationship my best, learning to accept and incorporate many new customs into my life, and trying things that are genuinely new to me frankly puts me leagues ahead of most R’s family in a lot of ways (he can attest to that). Even so, I won’t rip on them or their ways. I don’t call them self obsessed or narcissistic. I’m figuring things out…trying to to judge, and enjoying all the good things about this process.
Plus, I really wasn’t aware that asking my date to spend a little more time with me (explaining the customs in fact) would be bending an “Indian custom” (?). In fact I was trying to learn more about the ceremony and R struggled to answer my questions!!
Babysitting. Seriously… have you read about other American girls and how they deal with their Indian dudes? I’m one of the tougher broads out there… HA!
Wow…I can direct this guy to someone who really does need to be ripped apart for her views on blending into (or refusing to blend into) Indian culture. NK, I thought that your post did a good job of honestly acknowleging the awkwardness that can occur when you’re out of your element, no matter how hard you’re trying to fit in and learn to be comfortable in it. It’s not always easy the first time, and no one should hold that against anyone.
D, I totally think I know who you’re talking about! I’d love to see Sardi take on “the princess”.
I can testify that NK did pay very close attention to details of the wedding, because she told me all about it in private. But that wasn’t what her post was about - it was about the feelings one can have when navigating unfamiliar territory, especially when one has a vested interest in fitting in and belonging. NK’s story is very valuable to this blog community since a lot of us can relate to those feelings and have had to grapple with how to bridge cultural gaps while still meeting our own needs. Figuring out that she needed R near her to help her understand what was going on in a new situation does not make her self-obsessed. It makes her human.
AHHAHAHA the Princess…yes! I know who you are referring to as well, D.
Thanks for the support, gang. However, the comment didn’t really phase me. I have no problem being challenged. It made me pause for a second but there’s not much that can penetrate my confidence and good feeling about where I’m headed :).
Sardi, speaking as an indian please dont speak for me or my culture or how someone should or shouldnt behave. Its a new experience for her, cut her some slack.
I think all of you handled yourselves awesomely and your willingness to understand a new experience was great.
I wish more people, Indian or not were as accepting.
hey tybris, thanks for your thoughts. I really appreciate it!
I’m actually glad this came up because it illustrates something so crucial to intercultural relationships: perspective. To Sardi, I’m self-centered, to others I’m pretty open and doing my best to accept.
Perspective is why I read these blogs and gauge how other Americans have forged relationships with Indians. Some Americans are incredibly comfortable with the culture and kind of thrust themselves right into the mix–I think Gori is kind of like that. Others won’t have anything at all to do with the culture and even say repulsive things about it. I tend to float around the more comfortable and accepting end of things, but, not without some turbulence :).
At the same time, Indians percieve Americans’ efforts in different ways too. For example, if I don a sari, and did everything “to the tee” Indian, one family might think I am wonderful and open and another family might think I’m sort of a pandering poser.
See it’s all about perspective, comfort zones, and how they exist on a spectrum… that’s why the individual stories are so very important. We all need to find our comfort zones and then have confidence in our choices and actions.
And, I do tend to think the open, slow, and steady approach works best. R’s parents are slowing coming around…it’s been pretty interesting to witness (through R…). It has REALLY helped to not seek out lots of information and judge his parents during their “coming around” time. It’s really looking like there will be a fall meeting with the rents. But it’s so weird…the more R and I grow in our relationship, the less I care so much about the family stuff. For me, as I know I can trust R more, the less anxious I am about his parents’ response to me. I’m not responsible for making R’s parents happy and vice versa. As the responsiblity R and I have to each other thickens and becomes of primary importance, the more promising things look :).
Tybris - Amen.
As the resident Indian, I’d echo the “please dont speak for me or my culture or how someone should or shouldnt behave”.
Personally, I think it’s actually a good thing to have questions about the ceremony - because that means you’ve been paying attention… I’d bet good money that most Indians who attended the ceremony would remember less about what was going on that NK…
I think what NK was looking for, was for R to be a cultural guide… which seems perfectly normal… I dont know about other Indians, but when I attended american ceremonies - christmas, thanksgiving, etc - I asked my host plenty of questions and tried to stick as close to them as possible…
I wholeheartedly agree with Aditya and tybris. Well said. Indians come in all flavors (argumentative opinions and all).
TO lighten up the mood a little, here are two atypical flavors of Indians, one Canadian and one Scot. Perhaps, NK will get new insights from at least one of ‘em.
Thanks guys for your support! I do want to stress it is OK to disagree with and CHALLENGE me, too :). This gets us thinking and learning and I welcome that!
Oh yes…Quizman…I’m a huge fan of the flava
And, Aditya, I really like the idea of “cultural guide.” It seems like a very empowering concept …. like, guide me and show me how things are so I can learn and understand (heh hem and not be babysat). Good stuff!!!
Wow Quizman - great bunch of links! I love Sen (gave my mom a copy of the Argumentative Indian), and Russell Peters, but I’d never heard of Danny Bhoy. I bet he has great fun playing around with expectations, given his lovely Scottish brogue.
And I think you all have covered any point I might have wanted to make in response to Sardi. Sardi, I hope you don’t feel like we all dogpiled you, but it really is true that NeoKalypso is very earnest in her efforts to understand Indian culture - but she can’t do that if she feels uncomfortable in her new surroundings. It’s like going to a party where you only know one person: a few uber-extroverted people might jump right in and love it, but others of us (like me!) will feel nervous and need some guidance/introductions from the friend we know.
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Hmmm…being an American of Indian extraction I’ve had the opportunity to attend both American and Indian weddings. Don’t think there’s much difference in the fact that both sexes segregate with each other. The boys hanging out with the boys and the girls hanging out with the girls…..My two cents.