A reader in the comments asked for me to discuss how I’ve dealt with language issues in my intercultural marriage. From my side of things there haven’t been many issues, since Aditya speaks English very well. This has allowed me to be really lax (read: lazy) about learning his native language, Bengali, which I absolutely think I ought to do. While developing the post on our language issues, such as they are, I started to think about all the great reasons I should get off my butt and start studying Bengali. The personal post will be up tomorrow, but for now here are ten reasons in no particular order, along with a bit of explanation.
- You’ll be able to communicate better with your partner
If you can speak your partner’s native language, you’ll have two resources to go to when you’re trying to communicate ideas or concepts. Every language has words that don’t translate easily, or phrases that are quite useful, but awkward when stated in another language. A higher level of fluency helps here, but it’s not necessary. For instance, one of the first words I learned in German (the only language other than English that I’m fluent in) was Gemütlichkeit, which is best translated as “coziness” but contains a lot more connotations than the English word does. It’s a great word that I use all the time with other German speakers to get my point across quickly and effectively. - You’ll be able to move through your partner’s homeland with more ease
While a lot of Indians speak English, particularly in cities, having knowledge of the local language, or at least Hindi, helps in pretty much every circumstance imaginable, from bargaining with the shopkeepers to discussing politics with friends. I would not be comfortable living in India if I didn’t know at least Hindi or Bengali. For Aditya’s sake, I’d like keep open the option of moving to India in the future, which means that I need to get crackin’. Plus it’d be nice when visiting India and understand what half the people around me are saying. - You’ll be able to talk to your partner’s family
If your partner is from another country, it’s quite possible that some, most, or even all of the members of his or her family don’t speak much of your language. If this is the case, your best bet at facilitating communication will be to learn their language. Plus it shows you’re making an effort at good relations. A little goes a long way here: when I was asked by Aditya’s relatives at our wedding if I knew any Bengali, responding with “a little” in Bengali (ektu) got huge grins of pleasure. - You’ll be able to understand your partner’s culture better
This one’s related to the first point. You know those words and phrases that are so useful, but difficult to translate? They were developed because the culture where your partner grew up needed them to explain common concepts. Think of the Indian words that have been hijacked into the English language, like karma. Those words came into being because the idea they represent were so important culturally (and in karma’s particular case, religiously). Knowing those words is a big help in figuring out how society works back in your partner’s home. - It’s more fair to your partner
In any intercultural relationship (really, in any relationship at all) there’s going to be a lot of adjusting and compromising. Learning your partner’s language is one way to show her that not all the compromising is going to be done by her. That you’re willing to meet halfway on some issues. Also, if your partner isn’t that adapt at English, it can put her at a real disadvantage when you argue – you’ll be able to win just because you’re literally in better control of the terms of the argument. And we all know that isn’t fair at all. (Or fun – I prefer to win arguments because my position is the obviously superior one.) - It can be great for your professional life
Look, you’re already learning a ton about your partner’s culture and homeland just by being in a relationship with him. If you add on a language, guess who’s going to be the go-to man when anything related to that country comes up at work? Obviously this reason doesn’t work for everyone, but suppose your company has an office in India, as many tech firms today do. Trust me, being able to not only chat about the latest cricket series with the developers in the Indian office, but also make rude comments in Hindi about the Australians’ ability to dish it but not take it will endear you in their hearts forever. (The above comment makes sense if you follow cricket. Really!) - Any future children will thank you
As you probably know, the best time to learn a language is when your brain matter is all fresh and new- aka childhood. And children are much more likely to learn two languages growing up if they’re both spoken freely about the household by everyone. Now, you might say that you’ll have your partner teach your kids her native language even if you don’t speak it – but now your poor kid is going to have to act as a translator for you at every freakin’ family gathering. So do your future offspring a favor and learn the language too. - You’ll be able to share your partner’s faith better
Again, this reason doesn’t work for everyone, but it will for some. If your partner is Israeli, and you’re thinking about converting to Judaism, you should probably consider learning Hebrew. Muslim? Arabic would be a good choice. Heck, even for me, knowing Hindi would help with understand some terminology in Hinduism (although I have absolutely no plans of studying Sanskrit). - You’ll be able to understand what the heck that catchy jingle is talking about
Or what that news anchor is saying when your hotel room only carries Hindi channels and Bhutto was just assassinated. Or what the lyrics are to that sad-sounding song that your partner is always listening to. Or why he’s raving about that new, not-yet-translated book. There’s a lot of media out there that’s not in English, and you’re missing out on it. Perhaps more importantly, you’re missing out on sharing it with your partner. - You’ll have an awesome “secret” code you can use
Sometimes it can be useful to have a way to communicate with your partner without having other people understand. Or sometimes it’s just really, really fun to be able to communicate with your partner without having other people understand. Right now “the code” is used against me – Aditya will have an Indian friend over, and will talk in Bengali or Hindi when he doesn’t want me to know what he’s saying. While I’m sure he’d never say anything sassy about me, I’d prefer to understand what he’s talking about. Also, I don’t have a lot of German-speaking friends to retaliate with. Gotta even the odds somehow!
Can you guys think of other good reasons to learn your partner’s native language? Obviously there’s a whole bunch of good reasons to learn a new language in general, but try to think of one’s related to intercultural relationship in particular.
2. April 2008 at 8:05 am
I’m in grad school right now, and taking advantage of the free tuition that comes with my fellowship to learn Hindi on the side. They don’t teach Gujarati here, alas. (I’m hoping that knowing Hindi will help with Gujarati, since there are some shared words and grammar structures.) My motivation was initially covered by 3, 4, and 5, but I’ve got mission creep and now basically all of those apply to me in different. I absolutely agree that learning the language is very important for lots of very responsible and well-thought out reasons. But also I secretly want it as another source of pet names to call my man. Still don’t know enough words yet, though.
I’ve also got another reason:
11. When you watch movies and stuff, you will start to get the jokes and other things that don’t translate well. No more situations where everyone else laughs, then you read the subtitle a few seconds later and go “huh?”
2. April 2008 at 8:55 am
Wonderful points! I love how you encourage learning more about Indian culture and seeking to understand rather than judge. Bravo!
2. April 2008 at 9:32 am
Hindi won’t help you much with Gujrati, but almost all gujjus [gujratis] speak and understand hindi as well.
2. April 2008 at 9:45 am
ahhhh… i’ve been sitting on my copy of Rosetta Stone Hindi since January…I need to get on that!
Also about Hindi movies I totally feel you on “#11″ galaxie… also sometimes the movies are poorly translated anyways…words so off that its even apparent to non Hindi speakers.
2. April 2008 at 11:48 am
And, hey galaxie! It’s nice to see you over here
.
2. April 2008 at 1:21 pm
Indians tend to pick up on language, because we live it. One language at home, an official medium of instruction at school and most speak Hinglish ( Hindi – English) in bigger cities.
I bet it is 10x harder for you guys, hehe. Watching a ton of Bengali/Gujarati movies, will help you grasp a lot of words
for a start.
3. April 2008 at 8:24 pm
Hi Gori Girl, I’m new to your blog – but you commented on on mine, so I feel we know each other. So hello, I’ve got around to checking you out, & I like what I see.
Everything you say about learning the language is spot on – I couldn’t agree more. I have learned a little of my ex’s language but it’s difficult to find a teacher – not many Twi speakers in Australia & no language schools or qualified language teachers. Because most Ghanaians speak English fairly well, I guess it’s not a priority.
I’d just like to add that it’s been my experience (from family, friends) that if there are two languages in the family, it’s unusual for children to be fluent in both. They favour the locally dominant language, and as they get older may even resist learning the minority language. (It’s about wanting to fit into the mainstream, I think).
So both parents have to be 100% supportive of the child learning both languages, and if you are learning it yourself, especially before you have kids, it will make it more likely that they will learn it. Unfortunately I left it a bit late & my son, now 13, is quite resistant. But that’s partly because we haven’t had an experienced teacher. I’m hoping that our imminent trip to Ghana will help – but it would be nice if he arrived with a grasp of the basics.
3. April 2008 at 11:09 pm
@ galaxie – I’m hoping to audit Hindi next year as part of my grad school perks too! I suppose I could even make a case for it being useful to my econ degree, since I’m planning on focusing most of my research on immigration and development. It’s too bad (but not surprising) that there aren’t any Gujarati resources near where you are. And your number 11 is a very good reason – some jokes just don’t translate well!
@ instantkarma – thanks for stopping by and leaving that tip for galaxie – its something I certainly wouldn’t know.
@ Pale_Desi – there isn’t a Bengali copy of Rosetta Stone, but the Hindi copy I checked out of the library once was really great (this was in California where there are whole Hindi & Bangla & Punjabi sections in the libraries to accommodate local demand). At least, I found it very easy to learn from.
@ 6mile – tell me about it! Aditya knows like 7 or 8 Indian languages since he moved around so much & studied Sanskrit for multiple years. Even if he hadn’t moved much, he still would’ve learned Bengali and Hindi and English through home and school. Quite unfair, really.
@ Maamej – thanks for stopping by! I really liked your site; it’s especially cool to read since you’re in a different country & were in a different sort of intercultural relationship from me – I like to reading about all the similarities and differences.
I agree that a child will learn a language a lot easier if both parents speak the language. My uncle is married to a Japanese national, and they both have been speaking English & Japanese to my younger cousin since he was born – by the time he was three he knew who to speak English to and who to speak Japanese to.
I imagine at 13 your son is quite resistant to a lot of things – at least, I was when I hit my early teenage years.
When are you headed to Ghana, if you don’t mind me asking? And how long will you get to be there?
5. April 2008 at 4:28 am
Everyone in my family has a knack of picking up languages except me
, I can do only 3.
Just a few weeks ago I was able to charm a Russian Professor with my baby babel russian, lol. I’m sure she would have less shocked if I spoke proper russian.
11. April 2008 at 3:10 am
Hi Gori Girl,
I’ve been having internet problems & haven’t been able to get back to your site – & today I’m just on dia-up – groan. But I’ve booked our tix – we leave on May 15th & are flying via US to visit some family & friends, & then Germany for a few days. We get to Ghana early May. It’s so exciting! We’ll be in Ghana till the end of August. I get butterflies in my tummy thinkng about it.
And yes, 13 is a challenging age! He’s great actually, I think it’s just hard for me. But he’s really looking forward to the trip too.
11. April 2008 at 3:10 am
PS, i put you on my blogroll too.
14. April 2008 at 12:47 pm
@ 6mile: you’re one up on me, currently.
@ Maamej: thanks for the blogroll link! It sounds like you’ll be having quite the trip – I’m so jealous! Where are you traveling to in Germany, if I might ask? I spent most of my time there living near Hamburg, but was able to travel around to different areas. I’ve never been to Ghana, or even Africa, but maybe some day…
22. May 2008 at 10:25 am
Hey, great peice. Your story is exactly what i m going to face. I know Hindi and My “would be” is bengali.So i have also started to learn bengali.
22. May 2008 at 4:51 pm
Hey Meeta – if you go on to the next article (“Do the Needful…”), you can read a bit about my suggestions for resources for learning other languages. So far, the only major Bengali source I’ve found is Teach Yourself Bengali, which works pretty well as a beginning resource. I suspect that, since you already know Hindi, Bengali won’t be as much trouble for you as it is for me, but good luck anyways!
24. June 2008 at 8:03 am
I would like to make a quick comment on the views postulated by Maamez that “that if there are two languages in the family, it’s unusual for children to be fluent in both. They favour the locally dominant language, and as they get older may even resist learning the minority language. (It’s about wanting to fit into the mainstream”.
From personal experience I can vouch that this is not always the case and can’t be used as a blanket fact. That there are cases where children are completely fluent,
( reading & writing) in two languages. I am married to a white English speaking man and our two teenage kids speak both English & Hindi fluently and also scored top marks in the state in T.E.E English exams(Year 12 )in Australia.They never ‘resisted’ learning their mother tongue in order to fit in the so-called mainstream. They speak English at Uni/school and Hindi with me while their dad speaks to them in English and they easily switch between the two while having great respect for Indian traditions. In fact they have never felt the need to play down or diminish their indianess in any way, in order to be accepted and would proudly take out their indian lunches ( or tiffin as called by me) as kids at school. I am pretty sure that if they were in a situation or circumsatnce where they were not being respected for their language /heritage they would leave and not take it lying down. But I suppose in this they have had the support of their White English-speaking dad who showed just as much respect for my Indianess and encouraged our kids to be proud of their heritage.
Anyway, GoriGirl, good luck with the Bengali language learning. Your future generations will thanks you for this gift of true insight into their dad’s culture that knowing a language can bring.
29. December 2008 at 1:21 am
I have to say that I am really enjoying your blog and totally relating to so much I’ve read here. I’m also an American married to an Indian, and I’ve just started blogging about my intercultural relationship as well. Not nearly as far along as you, Gori Girl, but I do have an interesting strand going on right now about communication with the partner’s mother. I haven’t learned much Hindi or Punjabi yet, but given that my mother-in-law speaks very little English, and my husband has difficulty communicating directly with her about my needs, I am finally realizing how important it is for me learn her native language(s). It’s really imperative at this point in our marriage that I be able to communicate my needs with his family, especially since they may move in with us (possibly sooner than later). I’ve put it off for several years because of how difficult it is for me to learn another language and how busy I am raising two small children, but I’m not doing myself any favors by delaying the inevitable any longer. Anyway, I hope you’ll check out my blog as well…the strand about language I was referring to is found at http://www.eastwestmarriageblog.com/?p=1#comments (It’s a little misplaced and off topic from the original post, but I will try to reorganize a bit soon). Thanks!
5. January 2009 at 5:49 pm
Hi Jessica, and welcome to the blog! I haven’t been around much, as real life has been busy, but it’s a new year, and a new start (and mainly, not a new school semester, so I have time). I’ll check out your blog in the near futures, but I’ll say now that I completely sympathize with your frustrations in learning a new language. Some people have that gift (like Aditya) and some just don’t (sorry ol me).
24. May 2009 at 8:31 pm
oh yea, it helps. Imagine the mother in law passing out spiteful remarks in the local language. You sure dont want to miss all that.
8. June 2009 at 3:05 pm
This is so helpful. I am hispanic so my boyfriend askes that I teach him Spanish. I should make him teach my Hindi so I don't feel so weird when I meet the parents. Gosh I get nervous just thinking about it!
8. June 2009 at 3:29 pm
I've been so frustrated with the lack of resources available to learn Hindi in the States (or, even harder, Marathi)! I used to live near one of the biggest universities in the nation, and they don't offer Hindi courses! Then, I signed up to take an intensive summer Marathi course at UW Madison, and it was cancelled due to low enrollment.
As it is now, I've just been using Rosetta Stone, a few used books and online resources (and friends, I guess) to try to learn Hindi, but it's not easy. I find it funny because the US Gov't is always talking about how they need more speakers of “less commonly taught languages,” and how they're “making it a priority” but when push comes to shove, unless you're in grad school and your uni offers the language — you're really out of luck in learning any Indian languages!
8. June 2009 at 7:27 pm
If you lived in the greater Boston area, learning Hindi from a live instructor would be no problem.. many universities offer Hindi at various levels.. introductory thru graduate level.
8. June 2009 at 7:54 pm
I've listed a few Hindi resources in the forums here (altho you're right that they don't make up for university courses). If you have any others, I'd love to hear about 'em.
13. January 2010 at 4:50 pm
Hey, I think that Pemsleur also teaches Hindi, now. I have an additional challenge because I don’t read print. So, I can’t do the workbooks or read the printed lessons. I am trying to learn Urdu and want to sufficiently make progress before I add Punjabi. One thing that I notice is that I don’t get to speak it much. We are just both too busy (especially him) to do lessons. I think that I am going to go to my local “Indian Center,” and see if there is an Urdu teacher. Hey, GG, I will be coming to DC at the end of January, I would love to a good pakora! Will be staying at the Capital.
13. January 2010 at 11:49 pm
Dear all:
Gorijee Namaskar. Excellent site and efforts done for integration from readers in the world. Accolades to you.
Happy Sankranthi, Pongal from India.
I am Suresh. I was brought up in Bihar,India for 30 years. I worked for a US Org.CARE,NGO for 29 years in India and abroad. I studied till B.Com. in Hindi medium. My mother tongue is Tamil. I am settled in Chennai. Currently, I do online Hindi tuition and Hindi translations.
Please do contact me dear Readers at sskay56@gmail.com . This is also
google talk address. Cell; 91 9840643690.
skype id: sitaramansureshkumar
alternate email id; sitaraman_sureshkumar@yahoo.co.in
Dhanyawad,
with warm regards,
Suresh
24. January 2010 at 11:11 am
Hi. Very interesting Post. Not really what i have searched over Google, but thanks for the information.
5. April 2010 at 10:10 am
Hi Everyone,
I’m new to GoriGirl’s blog and absolutely love it!
My husband is Maharashtrian and I’m latina, so we’ve had the language talk a million times. The plan is for him to enroll in spanish classes and me to enroll in hindi classes. We’ll see how it goes.